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April Whorescopes
by Angela Lovell


ARIES Left Their Cake Out In The Rain

You guys need to read How To Celebrate Your Birthday For Dummies cause you’re being dumb! From telling that unfortunate Asian woman, “Wax it all,” to traveling to Coney Island and eating hotdogs all alone in the rain, you guys are riding the Masochist Train with party hats on. It’s your birthday! Quit worrying so much about the big picture and enjoy it. From making kick-ass documentaries, like Aries Al Gore, or showing up at your dreaded surprise party and juggling fruit, Aries can at least make this world a better one.

Your TAURUS Is Grass

Sleep with one eye open. This is not a test. This is an emergency broadcast. Despite your endless efforts, someone close to you (most likely a wicked and wily fire sign) is whittling an emotional shiv they plan to drive straight into your mushy, guilt-ridden heart. Here’s the plan—drop your guilty conscience and render their tool of destruction powerless. Do this soon, Taurus, or your ass is gonna end up on a milk carton.

Miss ConGEMINIality

Well, slap my ass and call me Rita! Look who just learned how to play well with others! Returning calls, mumbling apologies when stepping on subway patrons, and a decline in the theft of your roommate’s snacks? Not that you’ve stopped using, abusing, and losing everyone in this world believed to revolve around you, but at least you’re offering them a cup of coffee the morning after…for the road.

CANCER Does Dallas

Usually the fluffer of the zodiac, Cancer is making their mark as straight-up, money-shot-star this month. Everybody’s lovin’ you guys, whether you’re working for it or not. How come? Easy. You’re adorable, rarely suffer from body odor, and you give up lovin’ like you’re buying it in bulk (and you probably are, packrats!) Don’t give more than you’ve got, Cancer, and take precautions with your lil’ hearts. Sure, it feels good, but wrap that meat before you beat!

Put Away Your Tap Shoes And LEOtard

You fools have got quite the sideshow going on these days. I’m not even gonna tell you about all of the parties Leo the Lion is not being invited to. Quit flailing like a masturbating monkey for the spotlight, and go back to your beastly roar—there’s a reason why the circus comes around only once a year.

There’s No Place Like VIRGO

The dust is settling. Auntie Em is holding your hand, but that nice, quiet guy won’t be requesting your help with his stuffings anymore. You might not recall everything (where’d this tattoo come from?) but you’ll be feeling like yourself in no time. It’s the second-to-last song of your crazed cakewalk and you didn’t need an exorcism after all—just a good, hard, imperfect splat all over the windshield of your expectations.

LIBRAcated For Your Pleasure

Grab your ankles, breath, and just relax. (There’s no time to borrow lube from your Sagittarius friend.) You’re about to get fired, evicted, or dumped hardcore. But in a few months you’ll be marrying rockstars, buying sports cars no one can afford insuring, and telling everyone how to be as perfect as you…even though you can’t sit down.

I See London… France… Wanna See SCORPIO’s Underpants

What’s with everyone picking fights with Scorpios? Jealous. They’ve seen the writing on the (bathroom) wall, probably written by YOU, ya self-promoting Scorpio! May as well live up to your reputation and burn some rickety bridges to the ground by boinking an enemy or two. Give them reason to really hate you, Scorpio, and give it to ‘em hard!

Instant SAGITTARIUS—Just Add Water!

Bodily fluids abounding, Sag! All of these tears are putting out your fire. Just like Sag Brittany Spears shaving her head and trashing SUVs, ya gotta rise up from that puddle of emotional vomit, tuck those old love letters away, and quit retelling the tear-filled account of that hamster you dropped a brick on in kindergarten. It’s time to abandon the hermit phase and trade in that wet blanket for a wet T-shirt. Nothing lasts forever, and nobody knows this better than you.


Everyone notices your efforts, Capricorn, but you’re gonna have to work extra hard if you expect victims to forget your villainous ways (and that hamster you killed and framed a Sagittarius for.) Spell-check those apology e-mails, stop interrupting with questions about yourself, and quit working with snakes—everybody knows where your apple has been.


You’re perfect! You’re so funny and smart and cute and well-dressed! You always say the right thing, listen to the coolest music, and set every big trend of the season! No…not really. And that stalker fan club isn’t real either. Get out of your head, read some non-fiction, and stop being so “inventive.” You talk way too much and all of those torches you claim to avoid at parties fizzled out long ago. Now your exes only talk about that bad vintage shirt you think you look good in.


You prefer playing Devil’s Advocate to Follow the Leader, but whether you know it or not, you’re following. Lead that pack, no matter how great the sex is from your bossy counterpart. We miss your gleeful “fuck off” when pushed to do something you don’t wanna do. Get that spine back before friends label you Pisces “pussies.”

© 2007 Angela Lovell, All Rights Reserved
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