Hilarious Fiction

Bob
“Found out the night she left, the only thing she ever wanted was to boink Nolan Ryan.”
by Nick Holle

The Other Half of Genius
An epiphany from God sends a man on a drunken, lazy quest.
by Jonathan Hoferle

Evil Forces Surround Me
“Everyone knows that gray squirrels and black squirrels are natural enemies and would never thus collaborate, unless they were conspiring to harass me with their dark magic.”
by Dale Dobson

Hostel II Screenwriter's Meeting
The artists behind the first film brainstorm ways to give you more gore for your dollar.
by James Seidler

Cheese, Crackers, And Passive-Aggressive Warfare
The first rule of engaging in passive-aggressive warfare: don't admit you’re engaging in passive-aggressive warfare.
by Pamela Light

The Apology
“I’m supposed to remember Peaches is allergic to raspberries? He’s a toucan! They love fruit! They love it so much a cereal company here in the States decided to use a toucan as the animated frontman for a cereal called Fruit Loops!”
By Jean-Pierre Lacrampe

Ted Stevens, Congressional Dick
The senior Senator from Alaska puts his sleuthing skills to work in a legislative whodunnit.
by James Seidler

Nobody Likes My Pink Shiny Miniskirt Except Me
“I learned a lot about that man yesterday. For one thing, he doesn’t love me and never has. But he also doesn’t love pink shiny miniskirts, and I think that part hurts more.”
by Laura Callier

Hit and Run
“We've got to call the cops...or an ambulance! There's a badly injured naked guy out here who needs help!”
by David Gianatasio

My Washington Romance
A whirlwind tour of loose cash, fine art, and seduction at the hands of the elderly
by Laura Callier

The Ballooning of Muffins
The simple story of a man, his dog, and her diet
by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe

Seeing Other People
“I told you I was never going to leave you, and you said, “Jesus Christ, what do I have to do to get you out of my life? Hit you with my goddamn car?” And then you did.”
by Laura Callier

A Love Letter To Giardia Lamblia, The Parasite Formerly Living In My Small Intestine
“I know you have no arms, legs, or central nervous system, but Gia, have you no shame?”
by Wayne Gladstone

Dhaka Ltd.
"I asked what the hell they knew about writing ad copy in Bangladesh.They told me they knew enough about it to do it for a quarter of what they paid me and to have my desk cleared out by the afternoon."
by James Seidler

A Jacket's Sentimental Ties
“Mr. Duffy made recurring references to an “interesting photograph” he had—once again “mistakenly”—uncovered. With a wince, I comprehended precisely which jacket and photograph our friend Duffy was so enthusiastically referring to. An accidental goddammit may have escaped my lips.
by Jean-Pierre Lacrampe

Memoirs of a Shiksa
“I don’t remember many of the details because I left soon after we arrived. I do, however, remember someone challenging me to perform a cartwheel in the mailroom. I believe it was Chris W., but it could very well have been Chris P.—whichever one speaks Spanish.”
by Lori Sichtermann

The Humanitarian
Brent Miller wants to bring comfort to the Middle East…one woman at a time.
by James Seidler

 

Tonto’s Shocking Discovery
“This past weekend, I took my family to the Globe to see the
new show by this Shakespeare fella. I was not impressed, to say the least. I have never seen such filth in my life.”
by Bobby D. Lux

An Old-fashioned Game Of
Telephone

It’s not easy convincing the National Security Agency that they misheard you.
by James Seidler

Small Town Sexy
The most recent victim in my small town’s battle with corporate America was my favorite art gallery, Maude’s Numbers and Colors, which was replaced by a Thomas Kinkade gallery. Thomas Kinkade markets himself as a “painter of light.” Maude, on the other hand, marketed herself as a “painter by numbers.”
by Bill McConnell

 

Black Santa
He just wants to give out gifts…but the man keeps bringing him down.
by James Seidler

Elf Confidential
“I work 10 a.m. until close, which is 10 p.m. on the weekends. The hours are long, I’m on my feet all day, but honestly I’m too old for dwarf tossing.”
by Andrew Dombrowski

Observations About Jury Duty
“After the case, the media wanted to ask us a bunch of questions about how we came to our conclusion, but I just told them to stuff it, that we wouldn’t be made into animals, and they could just wait another three months for the book to come out.”
by Bill McConnell

 

Detective Dog: The Case Of The
Missing Shoe

“Wait, what’s going on here?”
by James Seidler

 

Incomplete Reunion
“She might have come right out and asked him just that, but with his strong arm around her, his muscular body pressed up against her, she couldn’t let little things like pride and IQ come between her body and his.”
by Amanda Rodell

 

eBay Feedback: My Lord And Savior
"You can't get your license taken away for driving under the influence of positive feedback. "
by Nick Holle

 

What's A Wallace To Do?
"I live in a flat with no stove, eating canned tuna for
dinner while the Darwin’s are living it up across town..."
by James Seidler

 

How To Make A Baby
A tale of sex, conception, and the debilitating terror that accompanies the creation of a new life.
by Robert Levin

 

A FLYMF Ghost Story
“It was a moan, low and terrible, repeated in a crescendo

chorus and punctuated with occasional sprays from my aerosol deodorant. From the bathroom door wafted the subtle tones of musk and the thick stench of terror.”
by James Seidler

Sex With A Very Large Woman
“Now it’s not that I mind Barry Manilow all that much, but
the more appropriate musical accompaniment to the night’s activities would have been the theme from ‘Raiders of the
Lost Ark.’”
by Robert Levin

 

The Worst Story Ever
"She had curves in all the right places and was a lady that knew how to use them to her advantage. Or so I assumed as she had on a long overcoat and I couldn’t afford to be caught staring."
by Bobby D. Lux

The Fraternal Guard
It's Animal House meets the Nazi Youth as Herr Schwimmer is called upon to set the boys of Sigma Alpha Neu straight.
by James Seidler

Good Advice Jars The Ear
"I ate Chinese food tonight, which tastes a lot better than eating the actual Chinese. Generally."
by Nick Holle

 

Don't Worry, Ted
"Anyway, like I said, you don't have to worry about a thing.

The girl? She's not going to press charges. And neither are
her parents."
by Nick Holle

Adventures In Time Travel
"So, here's something many people don't know about
me: I practice voodoo. I'm pretty good at it too."
by Bobby D. Lux

 

Catch Up
"I know it's no formal education like yours, Wendelstad, but I guarantee you I could freebase the crap outta ya."
by Nick Holle

 

A Simple Love Octagon
It’s that time-honored, traditional story of an entangled, eight-person relationship web that results in death by Kool-Aid.
by Nick Holle

A Good Drummer Is Hard To Find
“Our drummer went born-again on us this morning.”
by James Seidler

 

Scenes From Behind The Counter At 7/11
“Day by day I waited, hoping this would be the day she happened to chance upon the true love that pined for her behind the counter, helpfully nametagged ‘Ken.’”
by James Seidler

 

Summer Work
“The DOT needs traffic. The more the merrier. Basically, the more traffic on the streets, the more people complain, and the more money gets handed over to correct the problems.”
by Allen Coyle

My Father, The Matchmaker
"When I agreed to go on my first and only blind date, it wasn't because I was looking for a possible love match, a prospect for commitment or another potential amorous distraction. My father made me do it and he never apologized."
by Melissa Rosen

 

The Babs T-Shirt
It's Barbra Streisand’s half-birthday, our hero has got the day off, his ex-girlfriend is in the hospital, and flamethrowers are on sale.
by Nick Holle

An American In Europe
"If Prior threw a shutout and I wasn’t able to start him because we weren’t able to get this country into the 20th century following the Big One, I'm going to punch some Guido in the face. Mark my words."
by James Seidler

Charlie's Hamsters
"Charlie comes from my dead dog, Chuck. He was hit by two hopped-up metal heads in a pickup truck."
by Amanda Rodell

 

Nice Joe Nagelberg
“The thing about Joe is––besides being one of the best guys in
the whole world––he’s a drop-dead ringer for Matt Damon. ”
by Nick Holle

 

A Fortnight's Lament
“Lately, I’ve been thinking that I’m an intellectual
snob.
And I’ve been thinking that maybe I should start telling
people who I think might not know. But they probably
wouldn’t get it anyway.”
by Elizabeth Saas

 

300 At Tyke's
“Sparky McGillicuddy’s rise to future Hall-of-Fame status

had been a bumpy one, paved with late nights, fist fights,
broken furniture, and the cute little girl clown from the
famous traveling circus. Paul adroitly chronicled it all.”
by Rob Allin

 

Walls
"To be fair, Hank had not intended to punch out the maitre d’." *An interactive FLYMF experience*

by Michael Zimmer

 

Road Pirate Trip Log
Marauders of the asphalt pathways struggle with the reality of Los Angeles traffic.
by James Seidler