Essays & Musings

Rubber Bands and Inky Hands
I earned $50–$80 a month, enough for me to blow all my money on comic books and baseball cards, but not enough for me to blow all my money on comic books, baseball cards and fantasy role-playing guides (“Oh my God—they added spelunking as a skill!”).
by James Seidler

“I am outside during a tornado. I have rocks the size of Gibraltar.”
by Nick Holle

Cat Scratch Fever
As the week went on the bump in my armpit grew to the point where—unless a full Rastafarian dreadlock was going to pop through my skin—it could no longer be an ingrown hair.
by Pamela Light

The Next Phase of Potty Training
“There on the lawn was a large log, about eighteen inches long. If I had discovered this myself, I would have sworn that a Clydesdale had been in my back yard.”
by Karen Webb

Pet Psyches
“While both our cats seem to have eating disorders, our dogs share a different problem. They have Canine Attention Deficit Disorder. According to both of them, they don’t get nearly enough attention on a daily basis, and it’s up to me to remedy that, continuously.”
by Jeanne Cook

Confessions Of A List Junkie
“An hour from now, I’m going to retrieve my laundry from the dryer downstairs. Ten minutes after it’s done I’ll have forgotten about it. But if I write ‘Get Laundry’ on a scrap of paper and
cross it out afterwards, well, I’ve accomplished something.”
by James Seidler

Declaring My Intent
“Today, America’s the greatest country in the world, and if it’s still the greatest country in 2020, I pledge to you that I intend on keeping it that way.”
by Andrew Dombrowski

Amster “Damn It”
“A man stood on stage in a Batman uniform. Were we in the right place? He walked up and down the stage. A naked woman came out. We were in the right place! Another round of drinks, please.”
by Matt Sullivan

The Unknown Oscars
A look at the night's most obscure nominations inspires us to try our hand at pitching scripts. Can you separate the real nominees from the fake ones surrounding them?
by James Seidler

My Literary Career Thus Far
“Took a bus from Charleston, South Carolina, to Seattle, Washington, with a journal in hand, determined to write the next Great American Road Novel. Instead, I used that journey of four days as inspiration for a poorly drawn cartoon series titled Go Greyhound.”
by Andrew Dombrowski

Damn It, Gym!
“There’s no way to concentrate with all that bending over, bending backward, and self-massage taking place six feet away from my 100-pound-laden bench press machine.”
by Richard Toynton

New Year's Night
“This was a neighborhood where strange women would use urgent requests to visit our bathroom as an excuse to raid the medicine cabinet. Homeless men would inquire about the possibility of a ride to Elkhart or gauge our interest in buying used pornography.”
by James Seidler

If Desserts Were Sold Via Multilayer Marketing
“Here’s what I want you to do. Give me a check for $199 so I can train you. Then come up with six friends who might also like to review our dessert menu. I’ll go to their tables with you and help
you present the options to them.”
by Dale Dobson

When George Lucas Gets His Hands On Other Blockbusters
“The classic love story will be reissued with additional CGI goodies. In this version, the Titanic now shoots at the iceberg
first before the iceberg retaliates by sinking it.”
By Wayne Gladstone and G. Xavier Robillard

Confessions of a College Graduate Einstein Bagel Slinger
“If there were anything here that primitive cultures would worship, it would be the slicer. It would be a cause for rejoicing.”
by Jonathan Hoferle

Earmuffs
“Ladies, ladies, ladies. If your man is that attracted to a gal in earmuffs, then it's a simple trip to the ski shop for you. No embarrassing, incognito trips to the 'marital relationship helper' stores are necessary.”
by Jeanne Cook

Why I Need Weapons At A Wake
“My message is simple: funerals are awkward, sad and terrible, but like everything in life, one can either do them with style and class or one can embarrass themself and everyone they know and love by acting like a complete asshole.”
by Patrick Alexander

Suicide By Knob
It took a minute for her comment to sink in, and then I wondered what a suicide wheel was. Did it just… not turn?
by Jen Lukenbill

The Cheek Kiss
“The same college friends who in Bloomington, Indiana, wouldn't have dreamed of pecking me hello suddenly started cheek-kissing all over the place once we moved to New York.”
by Marissa Kristal

The Swab
I sat down with those other lost souls, all bearing one of two looks on their face—either the “How did this happen to me?” or the more exciting “Fuck that asshole! Not cheating my ass!”
by Patrick Alexander

The Tanning Inferno
“I didn’t appear to have a tan as much as a medical condition. Michele later said it didn’t look that bad in natural lighting, by which I assume she meant in the dark.”
by Cris Cohen

Nobody Thinks Your Kid Is Cute
“If you don’t need a captive audience when you’re making the baby, you shouldn’t get to demand one after it’s born.”
by Anna T. Hirsh

Bully Battle Cry
“I was big for my age and angry a lot. It would have been
irresponsible to NOT bully at least one person.”
by Jen Lukenbill

Scraps From Ann Coulter's Notebook
FLYMF looks back into the past to imagine Coulter’s responses to some of the most notable tragedies of the past twenty years.
by James Seidler

Old Food
"My mother takes great pleasure in trying to deprive me of one of my favorite scientific experiments: the eating of old food."
by Laura Callier

Mr. Crazy
“With a name like Greg, you expect someone bland and ordinary. What you do not expect is a middle-aged, overweight man who sports hot pink tights and moans every time he shows you dance steps that involve hip rolls.”
by Marissa Kristal

The Enza
“They inject the flu virus into you and tell you that one of the side effects of the shot is that you ‘may experience flu-like symptoms.’ That’s like buckling your seat belt and experiencing ‘crash-like injuries.’”
by Patrick Alexander

The Troll Made Me Do It!
“Lisa said his sex was very clear since our troll, unlike my current boyfriend, felt comfortable enough to visit us shirtless.”
by Angela Lovell

My Advice To The Graduates
The realization that I’ve spent as much time out of college as I spent in it inspired a strange combination of nostalgia and panic. The Germans would have a word for that, like “nogstalgiapan,” although I suppose we have our own ready substitutes in “high school reunion” and “birthday.”
by James Seidler

The Travel Bug
“The thing is, pretty much everyone else in Bulgaria has herpes. Cold sores were as common as leather jackets and jaundiced-skin.”
by Anna T. Hirsh

Frostbite
“When your guests enthusiastically offer, and even beg, to shovel your driveway in the midst of a ferocious blizzard, it’s not because they’re overly nice and helpful people.  It’s because they’re desperately cold”
by Marissa Kristal

My Letter Not To Me, Andrew Dombrowski
“One day in the near future your world is going to come crashing down all around you. You'll sit down, Google your name and it will be the second or possibly third one down.”
by Andrew Dombrowski

That Girl
“It's not my fault. As always, I come by my flaws naturally. My family plays this game every time we go on vacations. We spy relentlessly on the other hotel guests.”
by Marissa Kristal

My Letter To Me, The Illegal Immigrant Who Gets FLYMF On The Web Every Month
“Being an illegal immigrant gives you a unique insight into how America works. You have the perspective of an outsider who is fully immersed and totally ignored in a culture and society.”
by Jesus Rivera Flores de Garcia y Hernadez

Never Judge An Artist By Her Vagina Dress (Or Lack Thereof)
“This was exactly the girl in high school who tries to fit in with the drama kids just to end up playing Old Man in the school play.”
by Angela Lovell

The Spot
“Overall, the dental check-up is a good thing. You get your teeth cleaned. You get a new toothbrush, free. And if you play your cards right, you can usually talk the hygienist into a ‘happy ending.’”
by James Seidler

Recipe for Vegetable Lasagna
Microwave cooking at its finest—impress your friends and neighbors.
by Christine Magnotta

Trainers (And Big, Horny Dogs)
It’s frustrating when the trainers at the gym want to give you more of a workout than you bargained for.
by Marissa Kristal

A Sign From God
“I'd probably wind up a saint if I had some sort of sign like that. But I've never had the guts to do anything like stabbing the Eucharist—I prefer to just chew and swallow my Jesus.”
by Andrew Dombrowski

My Letter To Me, Poet Laureate of FLYMF
“The bottom line is that verse is my universe.”
By Nick Holle

Fights I’ve Lost
“Win—me. Unfortunately, run home crying, me, and assume

the fetal position, me, were more common occurrences.”
by James Seidler

Home Of The Smiling Burger
"Now I wasn't working with other teenagers; I was working with real-life adults who did this for a living. This made me about as comfortable as Mr. Rogers at a KKK rally."
by Steve Szlaga

Standing on Street Corners
“Another place to meet boys? On the subway! And how do you do it? Get the most mammoth cockroach you've ever seen to crawl up your leg.”
by Marissa Kristal

When Poetry Attacks
Michael Madsen’s poetry will make you want to hack one of
your own ears off.
by Anna T. Hirsh

Muzak My Eyes Out
“If music hadn’t died on the Day The Music Died, would Muzak have ceased to exist?”
by Nick Holle

 

My Letter To Me, A Real Gay Cowboy
"Hell, the only reason Calamity Jane started dressing like a man was because that was the only way she could get some drunk cowpoke to sleep with her. Oh, we’d make fun of the fella after that happened. Mistook the mountains for the prairie, we used to say."
by Tex

 

Graduate Wretched Exam
“I resolved to look at the impending standardized test as an intellectual challenge.
Turns out, I was intellectually challenged.”  
by Donna Huffaker

The Ring And The Sack
NBA fanatic Nick Holle wins the roommate sweepstakes when he finds out he shares a roof with a girl who beds champions.
by Nick Holle

Reading Lolita In Prison
“I’m not saying that everyone who’s read Lolita is a pervert. I’ve read it. I thought it was all right. I’m not sure that I’d read it again, but I’m also not dosing sixth graders with Robitussin."
by James Seidler

 

The Days Of Wine And Gay Bars
" From the minute Dan opened the door, I knew he was different. It was his door to his apartment with his Camry parked in front of the curb."
by Donna Huffaker

My Life In Blacksmithing
I make movies to get by so that one day I can do what I truly love: blacksmithing.
by Nick Holle

Looking For Stormy Weather
“Maybe, in a development echoing the Sox’s most notorious World Series moment, both teams could be caught trying to throw the Series. In fact, looking back at the games we got, that may have been what happened, only nobody told Jermaine Dye.”
by James Seidler

Rotten On The Inside
“Everything “enlightened” is no more than a cloak for our gutter-minded, apish ways. How else can you explain Ted Kennedy going into his ninth Senate term?”
by Randy Fury

 

Crap, I'm Thirty
"The barbarian in me wants to have boys, five or six, who will beat the crap out of all the other boys in the neighborhood,
string their shoes together, and throw them over telephone
wires (the shoes, not the boys)."
by Randy Fury

Anatomy of a Submission
“If only I could repay him by agreeing to publish his piece…and then twisting it to make it all about me.”
by John Jones and Nick Holle

Clearing Up Some Misconceptions
An look at the controversy currently surrouding the theory of evolution as well as its effect on human-primate relationships.
by Bananas the Chimp

The Anonymous Henchmen
"Well, I can consistently throw a grenade 50 yards, with decent accuracy. Torture, I'm pretty good with torture, you know, tying people up, electrocuting them. And I know how to use Microsoft Word, PowerPoint, and Excel."
by AJ Nseir

 

Tales From Chet Waggoner
"I'd always blamed myself before, chalked it up to my shortcomings, my lack of size, my two left feet, my inability to maintain the discipline necessary for an effective steroid regimen."
by James Seidler

The Poodle Assassin
"In an attempt to abate the g-force of nauseating guilt that has been pinning me down since I was a wee lass, I must exhume my furriest of skeletons."
by Vickie Fernandez

Harry Potter And The Half-Priced Hooker
"Still, I have student loans to pay, so when I see the kind of numbers Ms. Rowling is doing, like every writer out there,

I'm trying to think of a good way to rip her off."
by James Seidler

The Best Laid Plans Of Brides And Grooms
"Everything seemed to be under control until I realized I had no idea how much work is involved in one of these shindigs. Who knew?"
by Chad Lowry

Summerfest Diary
Our belovable music-crazed author spends eleven days in the trenches of "The World's Largest Music Festival."
by Nick Holle

My Letter To Me, Affirmative Action
"You know what would have really increased the diversity of the Supreme Court? Adding a plumber."
by Affirmative Action

 

The I-Was-Just-Thinking Bin
“I don’t have an iPod. I don’t own a cell phone. I’ve never seen American Idol. And I’m not even homeless.”
by Nick Holle

The Final Countdown
"I recently caught myself not only knowing the words
to a Kelly Clarkson song, but singing along."
by Ginny DeFrank

Never Mind Its Mother, Depravity Is The Stepfather of Invention
Official FLYMF advice columnist Chad Lowry lays
out how to become rich by exploiting people's fears.
by Chad Lowry

My Letter To Me, Smarty Pants
This is the problem when people don’t laugh at what
you proclaim to be a “humor magazine.”
by Nick Holle

The Day I Met Joey Slotnick
“Being an only child of overprotective Jewish parents, pretending to be sick wasn’t an option.  No, they weren’t doctors.  They were even worse: they were worriers.” 
by Robert Bradley Fuchs

My Advice To The Graduates
“Always work 2% harder than your co-workers. 1% isn’t discernable, and 3% just seems like you’re rubbing their
faces in it.”
by Chad Lowry

My Throatal Abyss
Nick Holle looks to the future and places odds on the people
most likely to rat him out when he abuses his power as the Leader of the Free World.
by Nick Holle

A Hitchiker's Guide To The Star Wars Galaxy
Top advice on the spots to see, the tourist traps to avoid, and exactly how much you it costs to get into the Sarlacc museum.
by James Seidler

 

Raising Kids 101
"When you have that first kid, you don’t know if this is your only opportunity to leave a legacy, so take a chance with something memorable. Do you want to roll the dice with 'Timmy,' or 'Underdog Johnson'?"
by Chad Lowry

The Poop Doctor's "Enjoy Your Bliss"
The nationally syndicated poop advice column is back, and its doors are open to the poop questions that are constipating your mind.
by Dr. Aloysius "Billy" Nunama

Trading Spaces Vs. Cleaning
"The first thing you need to do when looking for new digs is get some money so you can afford a better place. The best way to get money is to go to a bank with its vault open and a sign that says, 'Help Yo'self.'"
by Chad Lowry

Death's Probably Not That Bad Either
"What are tax documents but federal versions of Games magazine? Throw in the fact that there's money involved
and it's like playing word games at Vegas."
by James Seidler

My Letter To Me, Springtime
"Hey, maybe we can go pick some strawberries soon!  
Or take a nap in a hammock!"
by Springtime

 

Death Of A Tooth
"I was going to have a root canal.   I had exactly fourteen days to get ready.   To be more exact, I had 336 hours to become a hypochondriac with insomnia."
by Pamela Light

Pimp My Ride: America's Traffic Problem Solved
FLYMF's Official Advice Columnist gives his thoughts on how to protect us from the perils of foreign energy dependence and shit-flinging monkeys.
by Chad Lowry

Being Human Is A Full-Time Job
(Without The Benefits)

"I like making lists, compulsively so.   It beats doing work.   It gives me the satisfaction of accomplishing something without actually doing a damn thing. "
by Robert Bradley Fuchs

 

Want A Tip? Here's A Hint: Get A Clue
"Valentine's Day strikes this month, and since I’ll soon be married I feel qualified—if not obligated—to tell other people how to handle their relationships."
by Chad Lowry

Ghosts Of Sitcoms Past
“In some circles it is far more acceptable to say you don’t believe in evolution than to say you thought Gary Coleman played the title character on Webster.”
by James Seidler

Courting Justice
“The prosecution is a large woman with a formidable shelf of a chest, two torpedoes of breasts. She has the confidence of Patti LaBelle, and I wonder how cocky I’d get prosecuting traffic violations.”
by Caroline Frost

My Brand-New Classic CD Dual-Alarm Clock
“Sayonara, douche bags of morning radio. May you be replaced by CD alarm clocks everywhere!”
by Nick Holle

My Letter To Me, Social Security
“And other than that time Ted Kennedy left the 1982 Social Security deposits in the Capitol restroom and Jesse Helms swiped it to build his shanytown, Helmsville, I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping track of your money.”
by Social Security

 

I'm Sure Thankful I'm Not A Pedophile
“I love children. I just don’t love them in the same way that I love Paris Hilton.”
by Nick Holle

How To Choose A College
In his latest installment of Advice From A Moron, Chad Lowry gives tips on how to determine the perfect place to spend the six greatest years of your life.
by Chad Lowry

Can't You Look Deeper Than My Greatest Hit?
“I guess what I’m saying is that if you like “American Pie” so much, why not give one of my other songs a try? Who knows, maybe you’d like it better?”
by Don McLean

My Letter To Me, The Year 2005 A.D.
“You’ve got a big year ahead of you, 2005. Your year. And with it comes a great responsibility.”
by The Year 2005 A.D.

 


 
Sign Language ABC
“To garner Laura’s attention and win her heart, it was time to follow up on the Bruce Willis Sensitivity Phase. Specifically, it was time to learn sign language.”
by Paul Hogseth

Don't Screw The Pooch At Christmas
In his latest installment of Advice From A Moron, Chad Lowry gives tips on how to keep man’s best friend satisfied during the holiday season.
by Chad Lowry

Just A Little Off The Top
“As bad barbershop experiences go, mine don’t extend beyond the general sense of failure that comes with that first look in the mirror after every haircut, confirming that’s as handsome as you’re going to get.”
by James Seidler

My Letter To Me, A Christmas Icon
Our favorite snowman sounds off on an issue that is near and dear to him.
by Frosty the Snowman

 

I'll Have My Rapist With A Side Of Cranberry Sauce
"I do not advocate eating animals, but this turkey sandwich does not depress me and this is why: I was raped by a turkey."
by Angie Lovell

Someone Tranquilize Me, Please
Pamela Light muses about insomnia, the night’s distractions, and the market potential of a Nytol salt lick.
by Pamela Light

My Letter To Me, The White Man
Thoughts on Thanksgiving's origins, and what Squanto ought to have really done at Plymouth Rock.
by James Seidler

 

FLYMF Plan For America
FLYMF’s editorial staff offers our solutions to the problems that plague America. Don’t bother listening to the debates—all that you need to know is right here.
by Nick Holle and James Seidler

Political Thoughts From An Iraqi Insurgent
FLYMF Iraq correspondent Mustafa Hamir gives his take on the impending presidential election.
by Mustafa Hamir

Democracy Is For Infidels
Russ Fusco takes a trip through the daily news.
by Russ Fusco

Jesus H. Bush
The president makes a battleground visit to Nick Holle's hometown of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, and nobody
was more tickled to have him.
by Nick Holle

The Truth About November
“We blame everything on the electoral system, put in place ages ago to protect democracy from those who would most like to destroy it, like Alexander Hamilton, Godzilla, and Joe Kennedy.”
by Russ Fusco

An Idiot's Guide To Excluding Idiots From Voting
An essay on the bare minimum that should be required
of voters.
by James Seidler

My Letter To Me, FLYMF's
Only Paying Advertisor

Abortmemommy.org proudly endorses President George W. Bush in his reelection campaign thanks to his involvement in
his girlfriend’s 1971 abortion.
by Chip Lipcut

 

Bugs: Man's New Best Friend
“While I appreciate that caribou need to calve somewhere,
as a Los Angeles resident I can safely say the average Angeleno would probably beat a caribou to death with a rusty shovel if it meant paying ten cents less for a gallon of gas.”
by James Seidler

My Letter To Me, The Assistant Best Boy
Scandal rocks the offices of your favorite humor

magazine, as one of FLYMF's founders gets an
unpleasant surprise in the inter-departmental mail.
by Michael Zimmer

 

This Inheritance Could Be Yours!
FLYMF investigative reporter Glen Golightly electronically negotiates the shady underside of African finance in an

attempt to bring home the fortune of his deceased “Uncle”
Pitt.
by Glen Golightly

Bourne Again
Following the success of "The Bourne Identity" and "The Bourne Supremacy," Universal Pictures hopes to spin the franchise into a multi-movie series to rival the aging James

Bond juggernaut. Nick Fleisher takes an advance look at
some of the titles in the works.
By Nick Fleisher

My Letter To Me, The Co-Editor In Chief
Nick Holle, 12M HCl, and the Christian Coalition
nearly send another issue down the drain.
by James Seidler

 

The Lawnballers
"My mother lives the life of an upstanding college professor: moral, calm, and well behaved. Her two younger sisters give similar appearances, dispelling any suspicions that these women are, in fact, quite dangerous."
by Angela Lovell

 

Soda And His Million Piece Band
An unwitting obsessive mulls the greatness and legend of his new favorite band
by Nick Holle

 

I Love My Dingy Poppers
"I love the Dingy Poppers. I’m in love with my guys. Uribe, and Abreu, Burnitz, and Schmidt, and I’m kind of uncomfortable with Octavio Dotel, but I love him anyway."
by Stefan Schumacher

 

TV Men Stupid
"If network television is to be believed the male gender of the human species can safely be compared to the dodo of old in that its overwhelming stupidity will soon lead to its
inevitable extinction."
by James Seidler

 

My Letter To Me, The Co-Editor In Chief
"The fact that James’s private journal is actually a package
of “Hello Kitty” napkins, kept meticulously in their original cellophane wrapper, doesn’t bother me."
by Michael Zimmer



My Letter To Me, The Associate Editor
"A few minutes ago I was informed that this
month's "My Letter To Me" was being demoted to the bottom left corner of the homepage."
by Nick Holle