Essays & Musings
Pet Psyches
“While both our cats seem to have eating disorders, our
dogs share a different problem. They have Canine Attention
Deficit Disorder. According to both of them, they don’t get
nearly enough attention on a daily basis, and it’s up to me to
remedy that, continuously.”
by Jeanne Cook
Confessions Of A List Junkie
“An hour from now, I’m going to retrieve my laundry from the dryer downstairs. Ten minutes after it’s done I’ll have forgotten about it. But if I write ‘Get Laundry’ on a scrap of paper and
cross it out afterwards, well, I’ve accomplished something.”
by James Seidler
Declaring My Intent
“Today, America’s the greatest country in the world, and
if it’s still the greatest country in 2020, I pledge to you that
I intend on keeping it that way.”
by Andrew Dombrowski
Amster “Damn It”
“A man stood on stage in a Batman uniform. Were we
in the right place? He walked up and down the stage. A
naked woman came out. We were in the right place!
Another round of drinks, please.”
by Matt Sullivan
The Unknown Oscars
A look at the night's most obscure nominations inspires
us to try our hand at pitching scripts. Can you separate the
real nominees from the fake ones surrounding them?
by James Seidler
My Literary Career Thus Far
“Took a bus from Charleston, South Carolina, to Seattle, Washington, with a journal in hand, determined to write the
next Great American Road Novel. Instead, I used that journey
of four days as inspiration for a poorly drawn cartoon series
titled Go Greyhound.”
by Andrew Dombrowski
Damn It, Gym!
“There’s no way to concentrate with all that bending over, bending backward, and self-massage taking place six feet
away from my 100-pound-laden bench press machine.”
by Richard Toynton
New Year's Night
“This was a neighborhood where strange women would use urgent requests to visit our bathroom as an excuse to raid the medicine cabinet. Homeless men would inquire about the possibility of a ride to Elkhart or gauge our interest in buying used pornography.”
by James Seidler
If Desserts Were Sold Via Multilayer Marketing
“Here’s what I want you to do. Give me a check for $199 so
I can train you. Then come up with six friends who might also
like to review our dessert menu. I’ll go to their tables with
you and help you present the options to them.”
by Dale Dobson
When George Lucas Gets His Hands
On Other Blockbusters
“The classic love story will be reissued with additional CGI goodies. In this version, the Titanic now shoots at the iceberg
first before the iceberg retaliates by sinking it.”
By Wayne Gladstone and G. Xavier Robillard
Confessions of a College Graduate Einstein Bagel Slinger
“If there were anything here that primitive cultures would worship, it would be the slicer. It would be a cause for rejoicing.”
by Jonathan Hoferle
Earmuffs
“Ladies, ladies, ladies. If your man is that attracted to a gal in earmuffs, then it's a simple trip to the ski shop for you. No embarrassing, incognito trips to the 'marital relationship helper' stores are necessary.”
by Jeanne Cook
Why I Need Weapons At A Wake
“My message is simple: funerals are awkward, sad and
terrible, but like everything in life, one can either do them with
style and class or one can embarrass themself and everyone
they know and love by acting like a complete asshole.”
by Patrick Alexander
Suicide By Knob
It took a minute for her comment to sink in, and then I wondered what a suicide wheel was. Did it just… not turn?
by Jen Lukenbill
The Cheek Kiss
“The same college friends who in Bloomington, Indiana,
wouldn't have dreamed of pecking me hello suddenly started cheek-kissing all over the place once we moved to New York.”
by Marissa Kristal
The Swab
I sat down with those other lost souls, all bearing one of two
looks on their face—either the “How did this happen to me?” or the more exciting “Fuck that asshole! Not cheating my ass!”
by Patrick Alexander
The Tanning Inferno
“I didn’t appear to have a tan as much as a medical
condition. Michele later said it didn’t look that bad in
natural lighting, by which I assume she meant in the dark.”
by Cris Cohen
Nobody Thinks Your Kid Is Cute
“If you don’t need a captive audience when you’re making
the baby, you shouldn’t get to demand one after it’s born.”
by Anna T. Hirsh
Bully Battle Cry
“I was big for my age and angry a lot. It would have been
irresponsible to NOT bully at least one person.”
by Jen Lukenbill
Scraps From Ann Coulter's Notebook
FLYMF looks back into the past to imagine Coulter’s
responses to some of the most notable tragedies of the
past twenty years.
by James Seidler
Old Food
"My mother takes great pleasure in trying to deprive me
of one of my favorite scientific experiments: the eating of
old food."
by Laura Callier
Mr. Crazy
“With a name like Greg, you expect someone bland and
ordinary. What you do not expect is a middle-aged, overweight man who sports hot pink tights and moans every time he shows
you dance steps that involve hip rolls.”
by Marissa Kristal
The Enza
“They inject the flu virus into you and tell you that one
of the side effects of the shot is that you ‘may experience
flu-like symptoms.’ That’s like buckling your seat belt
and experiencing ‘crash-like injuries.’”
by Patrick Alexander
The Troll Made Me Do It!
“Lisa said his sex was very clear since our troll, unlike my
current boyfriend, felt comfortable enough to visit us shirtless.”
by Angela Lovell
My Advice To The Graduates
The realization that I’ve spent as much time out of college
as I spent in it inspired a strange combination of nostalgia
and panic. The Germans would have a word for that, like
“nogstalgiapan,” although I suppose we have our own ready
substitutes in “high school reunion” and “birthday.”
by James Seidler
The Travel Bug
“The thing is, pretty much everyone else in Bulgaria has
herpes. Cold sores were as common as leather jackets and jaundiced-skin.”
by Anna T. Hirsh
Frostbite
“When your guests enthusiastically offer, and even beg, to
shovel your driveway in the midst of a ferocious blizzard,
it’s not because they’re overly nice and helpful people.
It’s because they’re desperately cold”
by Marissa Kristal
My Letter Not To Me, Andrew Dombrowski
“One day in the near future your world is going to come crashing down all around you. You'll sit down, Google your name and it
will be the second or possibly third one down.”
by Andrew Dombrowski
That Girl
“It's not my fault. As always, I come by my flaws
naturally. My family plays this game every time we go on
vacations. We spy relentlessly on the other hotel guests.”
by Marissa Kristal
My Letter To Me, The Illegal
Immigrant Who Gets FLYMF On
The Web Every Month
“Being an illegal immigrant gives you a unique insight into
how America works. You have the perspective of an
outsider who is fully immersed and totally ignored in a
culture and society.”
by Jesus Rivera Flores de Garcia y Hernadez
Never Judge An Artist By Her
Vagina Dress (Or Lack Thereof)
“This was exactly the girl in high school who tries to fit
in with the drama kids just to end up playing Old Man
in the school play.”
by Angela Lovell
The Spot
“Overall, the dental check-up is a good thing. You get
your teeth cleaned. You get a new toothbrush, free. And
if you play your cards right, you can usually talk the
hygienist into a ‘happy ending.’”
by James Seidler
Recipe for Vegetable Lasagna
Microwave cooking at its finest—impress your friends and neighbors.
by Christine Magnotta
Trainers (And Big, Horny Dogs)
It’s frustrating when the trainers at the gym want to
give you more of a workout than you bargained for.
by Marissa Kristal
A Sign From God
“I'd probably wind up a saint if I had some sort of sign
like that. But I've never had the guts to do anything like
stabbing the Eucharist—I prefer to just chew and
swallow my Jesus.”
by Andrew Dombrowski
My Letter To Me, Poet Laureate of FLYMF
“The bottom line is that verse is my universe.”
By Nick Holle
Fights I’ve Lost
“Win—me. Unfortunately, run home crying, me, and assume
the fetal position, me, were more common occurrences.”
by James Seidler
Home Of The Smiling Burger
"Now I wasn't working with other teenagers; I was
working with real-life adults who did this for a living.
This made me about as comfortable as Mr. Rogers
at a KKK rally."
by Steve Szlaga
Standing on Street Corners
“Another place to meet boys? On the subway! And
how do you do it? Get the most mammoth cockroach
you've ever seen to crawl up your leg.”
by Marissa Kristal
When Poetry Attacks
Michael Madsen’s poetry will make you want to hack one
of
your own ears off.
by Anna T. Hirsh
Muzak My Eyes Out
“If music hadn’t died on the Day The Music Died, would
Muzak have ceased to exist?”
by Nick Holle
My Letter To Me, A Real Gay
Cowboy
"Hell, the only reason Calamity Jane started dressing like
a man was because that was the only way she could get some
drunk cowpoke to sleep with her. Oh, we’d make fun of the fella after that happened. Mistook the mountains
for the prairie, we used to say."
by Tex
Graduate Wretched Exam
“I resolved to look at the impending standardized test as an intellectual challenge.
Turns out, I was intellectually challenged.”
by Donna Huffaker
The Ring And The Sack
NBA fanatic Nick Holle wins the roommate sweepstakes
when
he finds out he shares a roof with a girl who beds champions.
by Nick Holle
Reading Lolita In Prison
“I’m not saying that everyone who’s read Lolita is a pervert. I’ve read it. I thought it was all right. I’m not sure that I’d
read it again, but I’m also not dosing sixth graders with Robitussin."
by James Seidler
The Days Of Wine And Gay Bars
" From the minute Dan opened the door, I knew he was
different. It was his door to his apartment with his Camry
parked in front of the curb."
by Donna Huffaker
My Life In Blacksmithing
I make movies to get by so that one day I can do what I
truly love: blacksmithing.
by Nick Holle
Looking For Stormy Weather
“Maybe, in a development echoing the Sox’s most
notorious World Series moment, both teams could be
caught trying to throw the Series. In fact, looking back at
the games we got, that may have been what happened,
only nobody told Jermaine Dye.”
by James Seidler
Rotten On The Inside
“Everything “enlightened” is no more than a cloak for our gutter-minded, apish ways. How else can you explain Ted Kennedy going into his ninth Senate term?”
by Randy Fury
Crap, I'm Thirty
"The barbarian in me wants to have boys, five or six,
who will beat the crap out of all the other boys in the neighborhood,
string their shoes together, and throw
them over telephone
wires (the shoes, not the boys)."
by Randy Fury
Anatomy of a Submission
“If only I could repay him by agreeing to publish his
piece…and then twisting it to make it all about me.”
by John Jones and Nick Holle
Clearing Up Some Misconceptions
An look at the controversy currently surrouding
the theory of evolution as well as its effect on
human-primate relationships.
by Bananas the Chimp
The Anonymous Henchmen
"Well, I can consistently throw a grenade 50 yards,
with decent accuracy. Torture, I'm pretty good with
torture, you know, tying people up, electrocuting
them. And I know how to use Microsoft Word,
PowerPoint, and Excel."
by AJ Nseir
Tales From Chet Waggoner
"I'd always blamed myself before, chalked it up to my shortcomings, my lack of size, my two left feet, my inability to maintain the discipline necessary for an effective steroid regimen."
by James Seidler
The Poodle Assassin
"In an attempt to abate the g-force of nauseating guilt that has been pinning me down since I was a wee lass, I must exhume my furriest of skeletons."
by Vickie Fernandez
Harry Potter And The Half-Priced Hooker
"Still, I have student loans to pay, so when I see the kind of numbers Ms. Rowling is doing, like every writer out there,
I'm trying to think of a good way to rip her off."
by James Seidler
The Best Laid Plans Of Brides And Grooms
"Everything seemed to be under control until I realized I had no idea how much work is involved in one of these shindigs. Who knew?"
by Chad Lowry Summerfest Diary
Our belovable music-crazed author spends eleven days in the trenches of "The World's Largest Music Festival."
by Nick Holle My Letter To Me, Affirmative Action
"You know what would have really increased the diversity of the Supreme Court? Adding a plumber."
by Affirmative Action
The I-Was-Just-Thinking Bin
“I don’t have an iPod. I don’t own a cell phone. I’ve never seen American Idol. And I’m not even homeless.”
by Nick Holle
The Final Countdown
"I recently caught myself not only knowing the words
to a Kelly Clarkson song, but singing along."
by Ginny DeFrank
Never Mind Its Mother, Depravity Is The Stepfather of Invention
Official FLYMF advice columnist Chad Lowry lays
out how to become rich by exploiting people's fears.
by Chad Lowry
My Letter To Me, Smarty Pants
This is the problem when people don’t laugh at what
you proclaim to be a “humor magazine.”
by Nick Holle
The Day I Met Joey Slotnick
“Being an only child of overprotective Jewish parents, pretending to be sick wasn’t an option. No, they weren’t doctors. They were even worse: they were worriers.”
by Robert Bradley Fuchs
My Advice To The Graduates
“Always work 2% harder than your co-workers. 1% isn’t discernable, and 3% just seems like you’re rubbing their
faces in it.”
by Chad Lowry
My Throatal Abyss
Nick Holle looks to the future and places odds on the people
most likely to rat him out when he abuses his power as the Leader of the Free World.
by Nick Holle
A Hitchiker's Guide To The Star Wars Galaxy
Top advice on the spots to see, the tourist traps to avoid, and exactly how much you it costs to get into the Sarlacc museum.
by James Seidler
Raising Kids 101
"When you have that first kid, you don’t know if this is your only opportunity to leave a legacy, so take a chance with something memorable. Do you want to roll the dice with 'Timmy,' or 'Underdog Johnson'?"
by Chad Lowry
The Poop Doctor's "Enjoy
Your Bliss"
The nationally syndicated poop advice column is back, and its doors are open to the poop questions that are constipating your mind.
by Dr. Aloysius "Billy" Nunama
Trading Spaces Vs. Cleaning
"The first thing you need to do when looking for new digs is get some money so you can afford a better place. The best way to get money is to go to a bank with its vault open and a sign that says, 'Help Yo'self.'"
by Chad Lowry
Death's Probably Not That Bad Either
"What are tax documents but federal versions of Games magazine? Throw in the fact that there's money involved
and it's like playing word games at Vegas."
by James Seidler
My Letter To Me, Springtime
"Hey, maybe we can go pick some strawberries soon!
Or take a nap in a hammock!"
by Springtime
Death Of A Tooth
"I was going to have a root canal. I had exactly fourteen days to get ready. To be more exact, I had 336 hours to become a hypochondriac with insomnia."
by Pamela Light
Pimp My Ride: America's Traffic Problem Solved
FLYMF's Official Advice Columnist gives his thoughts on how to protect us from the perils of foreign energy dependence and shit-flinging monkeys.
by Chad Lowry
Being Human Is A Full-Time Job
(Without The Benefits)
"I like making lists, compulsively so. It beats doing work. It gives me the satisfaction of accomplishing something without actually doing a damn thing. "
by Robert Bradley Fuchs
Want A Tip? Here's
A Hint: Get A Clue
"Valentine's Day strikes this month, and since
I’ll soon be married I feel qualified—if not obligated—to
tell other people how to handle their relationships."
by Chad Lowry
Ghosts
Of Sitcoms Past
“In some circles it is far more acceptable
to say you don’t believe in evolution than to say you thought Gary
Coleman played the title character on Webster.”
by James Seidler
Courting
Justice
“The prosecution is a large woman with a
formidable shelf of a chest, two torpedoes of breasts. She has the confidence
of Patti LaBelle, and I wonder how cocky I’d get prosecuting traffic
violations.”
by Caroline Frost
My
Brand-New Classic CD Dual-Alarm Clock
“Sayonara, douche bags of morning radio.
May you be replaced by CD alarm clocks everywhere!”
by Nick Holle
My
Letter To Me, Social Security
“And other than that time Ted Kennedy left
the 1982 Social Security deposits in the Capitol restroom and Jesse Helms
swiped it to build his shanytown, Helmsville, I’ve done a pretty
good job of keeping track of your money.”
by Social Security
I'm
Sure Thankful I'm Not A Pedophile
“I love children. I just don’t love
them in the same way that I love Paris Hilton.”
by Nick Holle
How
To Choose A College
In his latest installment of Advice From A Moron,
Chad Lowry gives tips on how to determine the perfect place to spend the
six greatest years of your life.
by Chad Lowry
Can't
You Look Deeper Than My Greatest Hit?
“I guess what I’m saying is that if
you like “American Pie” so much, why not give one of my other
songs a try? Who knows, maybe you’d like it better?”
by Don McLean
My
Letter To Me, The Year 2005 A.D.
“You’ve got a big year ahead of you,
2005. Your year. And with it comes a great responsibility.”
by The Year 2005 A.D.
Sign
Language ABC
“To garner Laura’s attention and win
her heart, it was time to follow up on the Bruce Willis Sensitivity Phase.
Specifically, it was time to learn sign language.”
by Paul Hogseth
Don't
Screw The Pooch At Christmas
In his latest installment of Advice From A Moron, Chad Lowry gives tips on how to keep man’s best friend satisfied during the holiday season.
by Chad Lowry
Just
A Little Off The Top
“As bad barbershop experiences go, mine don’t extend beyond the general sense of failure that comes with that first look in the mirror after every haircut, confirming that’s as handsome as you’re going to get.”
by James Seidler
My
Letter To Me, A Christmas Icon
Our favorite snowman sounds off on an issue that
is near and dear to him.
by Frosty the Snowman
I'll
Have My Rapist With A Side Of Cranberry Sauce
"I do not advocate eating animals, but this
turkey sandwich does not depress me and this is why: I was
raped by a turkey."
by Angie Lovell
Someone
Tranquilize Me, Please
Pamela Light muses about insomnia, the night’s
distractions, and the market potential of a Nytol salt lick.
by Pamela Light
My
Letter To Me, The White Man
Thoughts on Thanksgiving's origins,
and what Squanto ought
to have really done at Plymouth Rock.
by James Seidler
FLYMF Plan
For America
FLYMF’s editorial staff offers our solutions
to the problems that plague America. Don’t bother listening to the
debates—all that you need to know is right here.
by Nick Holle and James Seidler
Political
Thoughts From An Iraqi Insurgent
FLYMF
Iraq correspondent Mustafa Hamir gives his take on the impending presidential
election.
by Mustafa Hamir
Democracy
Is For Infidels
Russ Fusco takes a trip through
the daily news.
by Russ Fusco
Jesus H. Bush
The president makes a battleground
visit to Nick Holle's hometown of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, and nobody
was more tickled to have him.
by Nick Holle
The Truth
About November
“We blame everything on the electoral system,
put in place ages ago to protect democracy from those who would most like
to destroy it, like Alexander Hamilton, Godzilla, and Joe Kennedy.”
by Russ Fusco
An Idiot's
Guide To Excluding Idiots From Voting
An essay on the bare minimum that should be required
of voters.
by James Seidler
My Letter
To Me, FLYMF's
Only Paying Advertisor
Abortmemommy.org proudly endorses
President George W. Bush in his reelection campaign thanks to his involvement
in
his girlfriend’s 1971 abortion.
by Chip Lipcut
Bugs:
Man's New Best Friend
“While
I appreciate that caribou need to calve somewhere,
as
a Los Angeles resident I can safely
say the average Angeleno would
probably beat a caribou
to death with a rusty shovel if it meant paying
ten cents less for a gallon of gas.”
by James Seidler
My
Letter To Me, The Assistant Best Boy
Scandal rocks the offices of your favorite humor
magazine, as one of FLYMF's
founders gets an
unpleasant surprise in the
inter-departmental mail.
by Michael Zimmer
This
Inheritance Could Be Yours!
FLYMF
investigative reporter Glen Golightly electronically negotiates the shady
underside of African finance
in an
attempt
to bring home the fortune of his deceased “Uncle”
Pitt.
by Glen Golightly
Bourne
Again
Following the success of "The Bourne Identity"
and "The Bourne Supremacy," Universal Pictures hopes to spin
the franchise into a multi-movie series to rival the aging James
Bond
juggernaut. Nick Fleisher takes an advance look at
some
of the titles in the works.
By Nick Fleisher
My
Letter To Me, The Co-Editor In Chief
Nick Holle, 12M HCl, and the Christian Coalition
nearly
send another issue down the drain.
by James Seidler
The
Lawnballers
"My mother
lives the life of an upstanding
college professor: moral, calm,
and well behaved. Her
two younger sisters give similar appearances,
dispelling any suspicions that these
women are, in fact, quite dangerous."
by Angela
Lovell
Soda
And His Million Piece Band
An unwitting
obsessive mulls the greatness and legend of his new favorite band
by Nick Holle
I
Love My Dingy Poppers
"I love the Dingy Poppers. I’m in love with my
guys. Uribe, and Abreu, Burnitz, and Schmidt, and I’m kind of uncomfortable
with Octavio Dotel, but I love him anyway."
by Stefan Schumacher
TV Men Stupid
"If network television is to be believed the
male gender of the human species can safely be compared to the dodo of
old in that its overwhelming stupidity will soon lead to its
inevitable extinction."
by James Seidler
My Letter
To Me, The Co-Editor In Chief
"The fact that James’s private journal
is actually a package
of “Hello Kitty” napkins, kept meticulously
in their original cellophane wrapper, doesn’t bother me."
by Michael Zimmer
My
Letter To Me, The Associate Editor
"A few minutes ago I was informed that this
month's
"My Letter To Me" was being demoted to the bottom left corner
of the homepage."
by Nick Holle
|