Parent Teacher Conference
In the classroom, MR. and MRS. KLEINDORF are seated in front of MRS. MORRIS, who is seated behind her desk.
MRS. MORRIS: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
MRS. KLEINDORF: It’s no problem at all. In your note, you said you wanted to discuss a situation concerning Andy. Is it his grades? Is he not performing up to his potential?
MR. KLEINDORF: I warned him about those brain-draining Yu-Gi-Oh cards...
MRS. MORRIS: No, no, Andy’s grades are fine. I was a little concerned about some of the language he uses in school.
MRS. KLEINDORF: Oh dear! That may be my fault. While Andy was in the kitchen one day, I spilled a drink and said (leaning forward to the teacher and in a quiet voice) “darn it.”
MR. KLEINDORF: (looking shocked) Why didn’t you tell me about this? The thought of exposing our son to the language of a common strumpet…what other secrets are you hiding from me?
Mr. and Mrs. Kleindorf argue, producing a shrill cacophony.
MRS. MORRIS: Calm down you two! I can help with your son’s potty mouth. But, from now on, both of you need to watch your language at home.
MRS. KLEINDORF: (calming down) Thank you, Mrs. Morris. We’ll do that.
MR. KLEINDORF: Even though I don’t spend much time in that godforsaken place, I’ll take your advice, too.
MRS. MORRIS: Well, good. You have to be careful around kids Andy’s age. Those little bastards will repeat everything.
MRS. KLEINDORF and MR. KLEINDORF: Excuse me?
MRS. MORRIS: And they are devious, too. I caught one of Andy’s classmates, Lucy, whispering to one of her girlfriends. I mean, if she wasn’t saying something naughty, why was she whispering? So I told the little bitch to stop that whispering shit or I was going to snatch her panties down and whip her naked ass in front of the whole class. That shut her up. Except for her sobbing, which can get on your nerves after awhile.
MRS. KLEINDORF: (horrified) My word!
MR. KLEINDORF: (horrified) That’s outrageous!
MRS. MORRIS: Tell me about it. Then, a few days later, I heard your son asking Lucy to be his girlfriend. I told him to keep his lewd suggestions to himself or I was going to fuck him up. I’m telling you, if you don’t take control of the situation now, the little asshole will be patronizing whores before you know it.
MRS. KLEINDORF: Mrs. Morris, did you actually say that to the kids? To my precious Andy?
MRS. MORRIS: Goddamn straight. Listen, I’m a trained professional so I know how to handle filthy midget perverts like your son.
MR. KLEINDORF: This is totally unacceptable. I demand to speak to Principal Hamilton.
MRS. MORRIS: Fine. I’ll call him on the intercom now. (presses the button on the intercom sitting on her desk) Mr. Hamilton?
MR. HAMILTON: Yes?
MRS. MORRIS: I have Andy Kleindorf’s parents in my classroom. They want to speak to you.
MR. HAMILTON: (in a cheerful tone) How delightful! Please send them to my office. I have a few things I want to discuss with those cocksuckers.