New Ways For President Bush To Disregard The Constitution
The Bush administration has proven itself to be world-class at sidestepping the Constitution. Whether it’s through illegally monitoring United States citizens, approving the torture of captured prisoners, or ignoring the will of Congress via unconstitutional signing statements, the President has continued to find exciting new ways to ignore our government’s founding document.
In light of President Bush’s recent enthusiasm for redefining the Executive Branch’s role, here are a few other changes expected to take place in the near future.
1. Work to form a less perfect Union, diminish Justice, ignore domestic Tranquility, jeopardize the common defense, deny the general Welfare and squander the Blessings of Liberty.
2. Redefine black people as three-fifths of a person.
3. Replace annual State of the Union Address with gladiatorial deathmatch featuring Russ Feingold and the lost conscience of John McCain.
4. Expand Cheney’s tie-breaking vote in the Senate to make it applicable to the Supreme Court as well. Cheney’s new authority can also be used in the House of Representatives, Major League Baseball All-Star Team selection, and White House Intern “Hot Buns” Contest.
5. In the interest of fostering consensus, a unanimous vote is now needed to overturn a Presidential veto.
6. The following titles may now legally be conferred upon the President: Duke, Earl, Duke of Earl, Troy Aikman, Bard/Thief, Shogun, Grand Moff, Ming the Merciless, and Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.
7. The Executive Branch can borrow money against the credit of the United States, especially if they need to invade a rogue nation and they’re a little short until Friday.
8. The power to declare war lies wholly in the office of the President (effective circa 1964).
9. Non-natural born citizens may ascend to the office of President of the United States, provided they’re Republican. Preferably these candidates will also be (1) former Nazi sympathizers, (2) motivated by cutting their capital gains and/or estate tax, and (3) prone to saddling subordinates with condescending nicknames. Under no circumstances may they (1) be Canadian or (2) possess empathy for the working man.
10. For highly politicized social issues, such as abortion, gay marriage, and flag burning, the number of votes necessary to pass an amendment to the Constitution shall be increased to three-quarters of both Houses of Congress in order to fuel the continued election of hard-line social conservatives.
11. No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust, provided you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Personal Savior.
12. The execution of Amendments 1–27 of the Constitution shall be carried out in such a way that respects the Executive Branch’s primacy in matters to national security to do whatever the hell it wants.