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August Whorescopes
by Angela Lovell

 

LE g O Maniacs

Happy birthday to Leo's inner child, who never understood that children should be seen and not heard. It's people like you who make the marketing of blue ketchup and beer hats possible. I know how much you enjoy inebriation, but you'll fall in no-condom love with sobriety once you realize how many more cans you can crush against your skull when you're not drunk! Party hard, Leo! But don't swing at the pinata blindfolded again—your little brother still hasn't regained speech.

Gone But Not VIRGO tten

You of all signs can appreciate how impossible it is to obtain the ideal lovelife, job, and home simultaneously. Don't look back on lost opportunities, Virgo, just keep forging ahead and reveling in how close you've come lately to perfection. Or you could take a hint from Virgo Michael Jackson and double your chances by developing multiple personalities. (Everybody knows La Toya is just Michael in bad drag.)

Don't Be Such A LIBRA t

The good news for Mom is she'll never have to worry about you putting her in a home. The bad news is she'll never escape your constant complaints and whining. Your road rage and sasquatch-like power trips are sure to keep you single, but if you do get ambitious about not dying alone, I suggest you learn how to play nicely with others. Chill out, bratty Libra. You're not the center of the Universe. You're not cute enough to be.

In The SCORPIO or House

All that nasty karma you've accumulated is working its way into your bank account. You've made many enemies after quoting No Doubt lyrics and using bad cliches like, "At the end of the day..." Now those enemies are happily watching your finances deliquesce. It's not too late—give your ex back their bag of summer clothes that you say you can't find before you end up living on Ramen Noodles!

All The World's a S t AG e

Dear Center of The Universe,

Go easy on the rest of the world and remember that not everyone is as fearless, clever, and sexxxy as Sagittatius. Your dramatics are so endearing when you make that pouty face that you could get away with murder! But don't forget to clean the blood off of the clown suit—just in case you get a Libra judge.

GOAT ah's Ark

Your love for animals is touching, but if you expect your sex life to improve you'll need to put your cat to sleep—the spectacle of you smooching on it is dry-heave-worthy. I didn't even realize cats could live that long! No one will ever return after a creepy menage a trois with its hairball coughing, especially when they roll over into a puddle of its regurgitated funk in your bed. Put that sickly beast down Ol' Yeller Style and hit the town to celebrate! (Buy some new sheets, too.)

I'm Every WATER-BEARER , It's All In Me!

From confronting freaky-deaky Scientologists to deceitful authors, Aquarius Oprah Winfrey holds back nothing. This August she again debunks rumors in "O" Magazine of her homosexuality, which is ridiculous. Aquarius is the last sign who'd remain in the closet! Sticks and stone, Aqua baby. Don't let anyone get a rise outta you. Sometimes the public laughs at The Oprah, but I can tell you this—The Oprah laughs last (and usually it's on her way to the bank!)

When You FISH Upon A Star

Sex with you is like attending a seance...which some people really dig. But not your neighbors. Keep your freakiness down, or you'll find those precious brown-wrappered items that don't fit in your complex's mailbox tossed in the trash. Then where ya gonna get your chicks-with-dicks literature, Pisces?

Sc RAM bled or Sunnyside Up?

That fatty diet of yours is finally catching up, Aries, and you're getting love handles that few of us find lovable. Your cholesterol count is higher than your sexcapades! Stop eating like you're fourteen and stop wearing shoulder pads! We understand that you're excited about Miami Vice coming to the big screen, but you look insane in 80's clothing.

BULL seye

Taurus, whenever anyone fucks with you, I want you to sing at the top of your lungs, in your most obnoxious falsetto, "I've got the power!" from that 80's hit "The Power" by Chill Rob G. Cause no matter how seldom it feels that way, you do indeed have it, and you sure as hell worked hard to get it. You still won't tell us how you lost that toe! Keep on truckin', relentless Bull...and don't you let anyone take the wheel.

Best Dismount TWINS A Prize!

Gemini, you hump-happy dominator, sloppily mounting everything you're attracted to, from cars to mates—I'd tell you to get your swagger back, but I'm enjoying this behavior too much. Instead, I'll warn you that despite your sexpertise, there are those of us lying in wait to dominate you! Watch your back (and your candy-like ears!) And quit using your pube scissors in the kitchen!

Cotton and Ly CRA B lend

Cancer, you're such a cling-on that you usually get mates simply by showing up—just like Honorable Mention. But if you insist on using the internet to meet people, at least stop retouching your photos to the point that no potential love interests can recognize you. You were better off using old photos—baby pictures, even. Lie on your resume—not to your love interest, you clingy retards.

 
   
© 2006 Angela Lovell, All Rights Reserved
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