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Scraps From Ann Coulter's Notebook
by James Seidler

 

Ann Coulter’s comment that 9/11 widows “enjoyed their husband’s deaths” is only the latest in a long stream of inflammatory comments from the divisive conservative commentator. Join us as FLYMF looks back into the past to imagine Coulter’s responses to some of the most notable tragedies of the past twenty years.

John Lennon assassinated, 1981

Imagine there’s a world where no drugged-out has-been with delusions of grandeur is convincing teenagers to hate America.

That sounds all right to me.

Lennon may have thought himself to be bigger than Jesus, but I think the difference between the two is pretty clear to him now that he’s burning in hell. It may take his dirtbag fans a little longer…oh, say three days…to realize they were worshipping a false idol, but given the yippie movement’s utter lack of a moral compass, I’m sure they’ll just move on to dosing children or fellating Mick Jagger to fill the void.

It goes without saying that Yoko enjoyed every minute of it.

Bhopal disaster kills thousands in India, 1984

This alleged accident (Union Carbide has not ruled out sabotage or negligence on the part of the illiterate local workforce) is undoubtedly unfortunate. Aside from Democrats, nobody likes to see people die needlessly, even if most of them would’ve probably just immolated themselves in the long run.

In looking at the incident, it’s important to keep in mind that Dow Chemicals has done more to make the world a better place than the Indian subcontinent ever has. We’re not talking about Ted Kennedy getting off on drowning some girl in his car here. This is the company that invented polystyrene, polyurethane, bisphenol A and DDT, which would still be saving thousands of lives annually if not for the intellectual dishonesty of the so-called environmental movement. How do you compare that to the Taj Mahal and some dirty picture books?

Challenger explosion (1986)

Now more than ever it’s clear to see that the big-government, tax-and-spend liberal space program is only good for investigating the black hole that all the money we throw into it disappears into.

Wasn’t the whole point of the shuttle program supposed to be that they could come back to be used again, saving us money? Are you really telling me these billions of dollars wouldn’t have been better spent on ballistic missiles to nuke the Soviets?

And what’s with the liberal media publicizing the technical problems that caused the crash? Are they still so bitter about their failure to leave us open to the Russians by defeating Reagan’s missile defense system that they’ll publish anything that makes the United States look bad? These stories could be filed with a Moscow byline.

By the way, if I hear one more person bemoaning the loss of that teacher, I’ll have had it. As far as I’m concerned, that’s just one less unionized radical pushing kids to be part of the “Hate America First” crowd. For all we know, she could’ve caused the crash by trying to walk off the job during liftoff.

San Francisco earthquake (1989)

Sodom, meet Gomorrah. In perhaps the clearest proof of God’s existence since the assassination of John and Robert Kennedy, the Bay Area was struck with a 6.9 (coincidence?) magnitude earthquake. Left-coast liberals should see the collapse of the freeways as a reminder that actions have consequences. If you keep having omnisexual, heroin-binge orgies on freshly laundered red sheets superimposed with Mao Zedong’s image, God’s going to be angry with you.

Ryan White dies of AIDS (1990)

The official line here is that the kid was a hemophiliac, but I think that taking the first part of the word and switching a letter around will give you the real story. No one suspected Rock Hudson either, and he wasn’t spending his time sharing pillow talk with Elton John.

Why the whitewash? Hollywood is just trying to gloss over its own perversions with a nice, little sob story. After all, movies aren’t the only thing that Los Angeles is packaging up and shipping across the country; California is also the number one distribution center for the HIV pipeline. For Hollywood’s elite, the disease is just the latest status symbol, like getting your tummy tucked or having your own table at Spago.

Reginald Denny assaulted during Los Angeles riots (1992)

While Reginald Denny may have been dragged from his truck by a bunch of Eazy-E wannabes, I think the real perpetrators of the incident are the PC Police. You know what I mean. The “You-can’t-say that” squad has gotten us so scared about offending anyone that you’d have to be David Duke’s even-more-offensive cousin to express reservations about driving through Compton during a race riot!

And let’s not claim that this was fueled by any sort of legitimate grievance about a alcoholic parolee getting a couple of taps from a nightstick while resisting arrest after leading police on a 100-plus mile per hour chase. After all, if you or I acted that way, we’d receive the exact same treatment, which puts to rest the whole racial aspect.

The left played their role as well. Here’s a newsflash—if you dedicate your political capital to coddling criminals and painting all policeman are thugs, people might eventually come to believe you. I just hope it’s your car they pull over next time.

 

 
   
© 2006 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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