Dear Scary Stalker Crab,
Happy birthday! I sure am glad you're too stupid to pick up on the Cancer-genocide the rest of the zodiac is plotting. From Cancer Jessica Simpson killing the airwaves to Cancer O.J. Simpson killing his wife, your psychotic shenanigans are wearing the rest of us out. We'll lure you with puppies and shiny things to a dairy-less island, void of internet-stalking ability and comfort food. Even if our plan fails, you'll end up in jail soon enough as you continue to violate your parole and slew of restraining orders. Be nice to your nieces and nephews so they'll visit you on the holidays, and keep your fellow-psycho water signs, Pisces and Scorpio, close—they're the ones who'll bake that shiv into your birthday cake!
The LION Sleeps Tonight
Pro-wrestler and famous Leo Hulk Hogan has put on a disgusting display of overprotective father for all the world to see on his show, Hogan's Way. As he scares away a plethora of his daughter's suitors, unable to even let her out of the house to date, Hogan gives viewers the creeps as we ponder, "Does he wanna boink his daughter?!" It's not that Leo is incestuous; it's just that you're too goddamn stupid to know not to inbreed. My advice to you this month, puuurrverted Lion, is if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, make sure the cameras are rolling for the bloodfest.
To VIRGO Where No Man Has Gone Before
The last time you got wasted at a party everyone reported Bigfoot sightings. But suddenly there's a softer side to you, Virgo…softer especially in the sense that no matter your sex, you're shaving all kinds of new body parts. Too much masculine energy has prevented you from crying freely on long flights at those unavoidable chick flicks starring Cameron Diaz and telling your mother that your lack of a beauty pageant tiara is all her fault (despite your gender.) Getting in touch with your feminine side is important—especially now that it's summer and you don't need all that body hair to keep your warm anyway.
Quit behaving like the "under 18" rule doesn't apply to you, Libra! Your pedophile tendencies are bumming out your peers every time you bring a teenager to gatherings where Trivial Pursuit is played. No, it isn't cute the way your mate confuses Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles—especially when one of your friends is stuck losing the blue piece as the child's partner! Quit trying to go for the illegal piece, shameless Libra. Take a tip from Libra-gone-awry Jerry Lee Lewis, who married his cute, little, baby-talkin' jailbait. And then she grew up to write a tell-all book about what an asshole he is.
(This is less of Scorpio's Whorescope and more of a warning to Scorpio fans obsessed enough to read their paramour's forecast.)
There is no sign more vindictive than Scorpio. Pisces and Cancer, fellow water signs, can be just as scary, but Scorpio never forgets, believing "Til Death Do Us Part" even after you've moved on! And no matter how much a Scorpio claims to adore you, they'll sit squirmlessly through your suffering. Any jilted lover who shows up at a Scorpio's doorstep threatening suicide with a dull butcher knife will not meet Scorpio's sympathy, but rather their Dr. Kevorkian assistance—and a sharper knife!
The Little ARCHER That Could
This year you're moving more from Flailing Moron of The Zodiac to Ph.D. of Philosophy. Once you were the Fool with one foot stepping off a cliff as the rest of you admired the blue sky above. But now you've got everything under a microscope. Moving slowly in your little head is fine, Sagittarius. People have been eating your energy and charisma for too long, and you've finally figured out how to ration yourself. That's good! But don't let your newfound caution keep you from what's on the other side of this latest lovely hill. (And for Christ's sake, please get a pedicure or wear close-toed shoes!)
To the GOATmobile, Robin!
Your drunk driving would be okay if it wasn't for all those indecisive traffic lights. Your speech is hardly even slurred as you shout obscenities at other drivers in their cars that aren't even worth your new rims! Your biggest problem, dear Capricorn, is wearing sunglasses as night. I realize you're always a little fashionably behind, but leave the night shades to Miami Vice reruns. And be sure to park the car in a secluded area, at least until you can wash the blood off of it!
Smokey the WATER-BEARER
Fun-loving Aquarius, you've been getting a little too sure of yourself lately, especially where your sex appeal is concerned. No matter how many expensive seafood dinners you're providing, saying, "Baby, you're so hot I gotta put that fire out!," is not enough warning before spraying alcohol all over your mate at social gatherings. But if you insist on pouring alcohol all over them while your friends watch, make sure it's Cristal.
Keep Your Jesus FISH
As a Prince of Darkness, you could master the wicked power of Voodoo, but you're worried that God could be real. What if you get to heaven and he kicks you out? Though normally Pisces prefers being on the other side of any velvet-roped lineup, eternal damnation is weighing heavily on you these days. I say, go for it! Start hitting the church on Sunday morning with the stink of Saturday's debauchery on ya and see how it goes. Just make time to bake that shiv into Cancer's birthday cake!
And the RAMparts We Watched We So Obnoxiously Squeezing...
You'd get more phone numbers if you were gay, Aries. Quit coming on so strong describing the disgusting acts you consider yourself talented at, and quietly listen to your love interests. Even though American Apparel ran that ad of you in yer oonderpants doesn't mean you should disrobe at every party—especially this Fourth of July when you're soaked in alcohol and lighting fireworks! But if you do feel the call of nudity, remember what Grandma always says: "It's not indecent exposure unless there's hair on it!"
As Dropout of The zodiac, you don't need structure to get your famous on, Taurus! Though you enjoy plenty of schooling, you're incredibly resourceful and good at self-educating. But take a lesson from famous Taurus, Sid Vicious, and keep that addictive personality of yours under control by cutting back on the sex, drugs and rock n roll. You'll smash up fewer hotel rooms and kill half as many junkie bitches! You're still likely to reek of vomit, but that's all part of your earthy charms!
GEMINIght of The Living Dead
Your intellect makes me wild, and your torso makes me ravenous. Sure, it sounds like I'm kidding when I say I'm gonna eat your flesh, but watch your back, you sexxxy beast! No matter how little you give, your junkies are sure to want more. As you pilfer and ravage bodies across the land, you're building an army of zombies and vampires zestfully starved for your blood. This isn't like the movies where we can just feed on any ol' body—we're addicted to the Gemini flesh! Make sure there's enough of you to go around—or board up your windows and doors and rub some damn garlic behind your ears!