My Letter To Me, The Illegal Immigrant Who Gets FLYMF On The Internet Every Month
Dear Jesus Rivera Flores de Garcia y Hernadez
First of all, try not to get to mad when three teenagers driving by in their Mercedes SUV call you a dirty Mexican. Just because your skin is always a nice shade of brown doesn’t mean you’re automatically from Mexico, but they might not know that.
Also when someone yells in your face that they want all Spanish to go home, explain that while Spanish happens to be the language of your home country, your home country isn’t Spain. Therefore, you can’t technically go home to Spain.
It would be more appropriate for people who don’t know where you come from to say they wanted all Hispanic people or Latinos to go back to their countries of origin. After all, you don’t call Irish people English or Germans French. No, you call all of them white, except for black people, who you call black. And Asians, who you call Asian.
Hey you! That’s right, I’m talking to me. You should help people understand that you’re not here to take their jobs or mooch off the state. You’re a hard worker. You’re the one who brings America FLYMF every month. Sure, James and Nick and some other people are the ones who write the articles and draw the cartoons, but they have no idea how to work a computer. James is just now starting to use a skinny pencil and college-ruled paper. Without you, James would still be using one of those fat pencils from kindergarten. And you know what Furt and Sampter looks like before you get a chance to digitize the comic. It’s like a slowly developing two-year-old drew it.
You get a $1.30 an issue. You have 43 other web publishing jobs that support you through the month along with the landscaping you do on the side. These are jobs that no American programmer would do.
Also, being an illegal immigrant gives you a unique insight into how America works. You have the perspective of an outsider who is fully immersed and totally ignored in a culture and society. For example, as an illegal immigrant you have observed that America likes to have things both ways.
America wants affordable and delectable dining, but it gets upset when an ATM asks to perform a transaction in English or Spanish. America loves its low prices at Wal-Mart but doesn’t ever stop to think how the prices are so low. This is a very valuable and awesome insight into America that you, the illegal immigrant who actually gets FLYMF on the internet every month, have been given, a vantage point that you wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. Unless, of course, you gain citizenship, so that one day your grandchildren can bitch about all of the people coming to America from Canada, and the circle will be complete.
All right, my friend, it was good talking with you, and with FLYMF paying for submissions these days, that should make you an extra five bucks. Not too shabby.
Jesus Rivera Flores de Garcia y Hernadez