My Letter To Me, Poet Laureate Of FLYMF
I received tremendous news last month when I got a call from James, who informed me that I had been named the Poet Laureate of FLYMF. It is a tremendous honor. Anyone who knows me knows that poetry is my life. Shit, I talk in iams. I have orgasms from aabbababaacc rhyme schemes. I even have a “Poetry is life…the rest is just details” T-shirt. I know. It’s so awesome and unique!
The bottom line is that verse is my universe.
But with this honor comes a tremendous responsibility. This is my first chance to laureate something with my own poetry, and I’m here to tell you I’m ready to tear shit up.
Not a lot of people in the world are that interested in poetry, but I’m going to change that. I want to appeal to the mainstream with frequent explosive readings. And by explosive I mean fireworks, light shows and C4 that help to emphasize the art and the power of the word.
You know what else people like with their poetry? Lovemaking. My series of lovemaking videos, “Lovemaking the FLYMF Poet Laureate Way,” will teach everyone how to seduce and make sweet, weep-inducing love at the mere sound of my poems.
And that’s just the tip of the icing on the cake. We’re talking expensive background reenactments of my narrative poems, poetry/charity run/walks and tons of celebrity fellatio.
This ain’t your grandma’s Poet Laureate!
But even though I’ll be bringing a different funk to laureating, I place a lot of importance on poetry’s history and on those who came before me. So not to worry, there’s going to be a shitload of pretentiousness. Don’t be surprised if I start wearing sunglasses indoors and developing an accent. That comes with the territory, my friends.
And yes! Yes! My voice will quiver when I read something really personal and sad and terrifying. And yes, I will plant friends in my reading audience that will gasp when my quivering reaches an apex.
I will seduce college girls no matter how old I am. I will wear a scarf. I will read in front of heads of state, then spend the rest of my life reminding people that I did this.
As I get older, my metaphors and lack of perspective will increase. My explanations about what the poems mean will eventually become twice as long as the poems themselves. And, well, you get the idea.
I ain’t a hater. I’m a poet.
I might be a jackass, but I’m definitely a poet.
I can shit candy, but I’ve always been able to do that.
This is going to be a terrific gig for a humble wordsmith like myself. I hope I can do it good.
I leave you with a few fitting lines from my most famous poem, “Fraternal Rectalous Pool Cue” (which was made into a sunny pop song by the band Franchise Tax Board):
Like crud in a camel toe
Spit from a whistle blow
I wanna let you know
I’m not here to come and go.
I thank you, FLYMF. And I thank you, poetry fanatics. I won’t let you down.
Nick Holle, Poet Laureate of FLYMF