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Tossers
by Nick Holle

 

Here are a few things that I have been thinking about lately:

As I've neared my late twenties and been an adult for ten years, I have really gotten into saying the phrase, "I haven't done [that] in a decade." Such as, "I haven't seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off in a decade!" Or, "I haven't had hot teenage sex in a decade!" (Only one of those is true, by the way.) For some reason, I get a lot of satisfaction out of saying this, and I beam with pride. It sounds cool, and perhaps it signifies, in a way, a growing wisdom that comes with age. (It also might signify that I'm not keeping up to speed on doing things.) What's really going to be neat—and it's something I'm looking forward to—is when I get to say, "I haven't done that in two decades." That will be crazy…and exhilarating. Wait! How about, "I haven't done that in a score!" A freakin' score! "I haven't sang 'I'm A Little Teapot' in a score!" Wow, I can't wait to be thirty-eight. This, my friends, is the positive attitude one needs to get old.

Having another birthday this month. Man, just another year closer to dying. Fuck.

What if only Jews were allowed to play football?

You can’t have half a penis. It’s like half a hole.

Overheard on a college campus…

Girl: I used to be Catholic.
Boy: But you’re not anymore?
Girl: Well, there are a lot of things in the Catholic religion that I don’t believe in.
Boy: Like what?
Girl: God.

I just watched Deal Or No Deal for the first time. The amazing thing about that show is sometimes the contestants get a deal, and sometimes they don't.

My friend Eric prefers to be called a stoner rather than a pothead.

I work with a woman who has an Israeli-English-African-American accent. There is no chance I would kid you about this. But I would kid you if I were to suggest that those are the four top places competing for Hell On Earth.

Overhead on a college campus…

Girl #1: I should be getting a package sometime soon.
Girl #2: From who.
Girl #1: My aunt.
Girl #2: Oh yeah?
Girl #1: Yeah, she always sends something on the holidays.
Girl #2: Every holiday?
Girl #1: Yeah, you know, Christmas, Easter, October.

In a really long-lasting, bloody war, everybody wins. Except for nearly everybody.

There’s no question that my friend Ted is a ticking time bomb or a race car in a red or whatever lame analogy you can think of for a loose cannon.

Pizza is still delicious after all these years.

The amount of change in the pockets of good-hearted and/or guilty pedestrians is inversely proportional to amount of homeless people asking for change along the sidewalk.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't put a woman there.

Overhead in public transportation…

Suburbanite into cell phone: I just heard Kim and Carl are having a kid!
Voice coming from cell phone (volume very high): Shuuuuuuuuutuuuuuuuuup!

Abstaining from calculators is a lot like abstaining from sex. You can give it a shot and attempt to operate manually, but it's never the same and you always feel like there's a chance you're missing the bigger picture. Curiously, this is also why I now refer to masturbating as "long division".

Right now, I’m just contemplating ice.

Just by looking at a group of fifty of them, it's no wonder college kids are more prone to meningitis.

I’ve always wanted to steal one of those construction barrels on the highway, but I doubt I’d know what to do with it.

With the exception of Steam’s “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” (because it’s been ruined by sports), I enjoy any song that has a Na-Na-Na of some sort in it.

Overhead in public transportation…

Woman: Wow, you have an interesting looking chin.
Man: That's my Adam's apple.
Woman: Ewww.

I was thinking about starting a butter company that makes I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

I've never been that into filing my fingernails. As a result, they need it.

Meanwhile, I am constantly filing my toenails.

I binge but don’t purge, so I’m only half bulimic.

 

 
   
© 2006 Nick Holle, All Rights Reserved
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