My Letter To Me, Smarty Pants
by Nick Holle

 

June 30, 11:59 pm PDT

Dear Smarty Pants,

As beloved as your—our—FLYMF is, we can’t help but occasionally get some criticism. What gives? Certainly it’s undeserved. For as our fans proclaim—from Roger P. in Macon, Georgia to Max D. of our Sudanese Street Team—we “ROCK THE DONKEY!”

I, James, Michael, Bobby, Chad, and the rest of us have long since stood by the old adage that states: “He who rocks the donkey, is uncriticizablyalicous.”

And I’m serious about that. I’m always serious.

But, yet…yet…yet…as uncriticizablyalicous as we are, people find ways around it. Instead of actual criticism, they tend to be really nice about it and place the blame on themselves.

Such as, “I just don’t get it.” They feel bad about their terrible senses of humor. People, don’t beat yourselves up about it. You were born with it. Maybe it would help if we cranked up the Lewinsky jokes, so that when you hear the buzzwords “Monica”, “cigar”, and “blue dress” you could burst into sudden uncontrollable laughter as you were trained to do.

Maybe then these worthless I-just-don’t-get-it people could get it together. But until then, just get your Joke Of The Day in your e-mail and watch your Jay Leno at night, and you’ll be fine. You’re still a good person. Probably.

Another self-deprecating criticism I heard once was, “Maybe I’m not clicking on the right links.”

Now, not only do these people have inferior senses of humor, but they can’t even manage to magically guess which links have the funniest stuff on the site. Certainly this is due to rotten mouse training or a general technology deficiency. They can agree that there probably are pages and pages of high quality hilarity, but they’re just not popping up.

For example they could click here.

Or here.

Still, a lot of times you get self-loathing so great, it sounds a lot like contempt. My brother always says, “You just think you’re smarter than everyone else.”

Well, of course we don’t think that. George Will is smarter than us. So is Ralph Nader. Tom Cruise has studied the entire history of psychology. Do you think we have? No way, man.

Oh, here’s another link to a guided path.

The point is, if you’re dumb, you don’t have to accuse the slightly less dumb of superiority, even if their intellect is far superior to your own. What you should be doing is publishing a humor web site that the people who are dumber than you won’t get. Then you can feel some sort of elitist sentiment toward them, the idea being that you would then suggest to those dumber than you to do a humor web site for those dumber than them. And so on and so forth.

Then you would later substitute “humor web site” with “money”, and suddenly you’re a genius.

Feel free to reread those last couple of paragraphs in case you didn’t get it.

I guess the point is, even though we’re uncriticizablyalicous, we’re swell enough guys. We don’t want you feeling like the simpletons you are, and if you don’t get what we’re doing here at FLYMF, we’d like to be told that we suck.

Seriously, folks. Flat out. No hesitation. You suck! Over and over again. No more of this “I clicked the wrong links.” No more wishing for a dumbed-down issue of FLYMF.

Wait a second. That’s a brilliant idea! We should have a dumbed-down issue of FLYMF. Corny. Cheesy. Jay Leno-y. Appeal to the masses. Make ‘em laugh in Des Moines. I love it. We are so planning this.

Give us a couple of months.

Sincerely,

Smarty Pants

Associate Elitist

 

 
   
© 2005 Nick Holle, All Rights Reserved
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