A Hitchiker's Guide To The Star Wars Galaxy
by James Seidler

 

Traveling the Star Wars galaxy can be an enriching experience, provided that you’re well-prepared and take some necessary precautions. As the place is currently in the midst of a war of ideas (and blasters), discussing politics is a big no-no. Also, if you’re coming from a Three Laws robotic society, be aware that robots here (typically referred to as droids) are subject to no such restraint, meaning the potential exists for them to vaporize you or tell you to fetch your own damn martini. Finally, as the galaxy is blessed with an incredible diversity of life forms, be sure to check whether or not something is sentient before you eat it. Unless it looks delicious, in which case you should go right ahead.

Planets/Attractions

Alderaan—Blasted into rubble as the result of a disagreement over representation, Alderaan no longer exists as a “planet.” Accordingly, there isn’t much to do there (Indeed, there isn’t really a “there” there at all). On the plus side, one side-effect of its destruction is that rather than having to visit Alderaan, it will visit you, as thin layer chromatography shows that it makes up 2.3% of the cosmic dust in its star sector.

Endor—Long known as one of the galaxies’ top ecotourism sites, Endor has become overrun in recent years with opportunists offering factory-produced treetop habitats. The authentic experience is still available; you just have to be willing to leave the big tourist areas to look for it. A word of advice—if your potential lodgings have the words “Village,” “Campground,” or “Trailer Park” in their title, don’t expect authenticity.

If you do hit the backcountry, be aware that the isolation can carry with it the peril of being stewed whole in a large pot for comic relief. Should you find yourself in trouble with the natives, most situations can be resolved peaceably by pulling out something shiny. Even better results can be achieved if you have your robot with you, as the locals will view it as a god. Do note, however, that Endor Bylaw 467A explicitly prohibits utilizing a robot’s presumed divinity to facilitate sexual tourism.

Finally, be aware that many of the indigenous peoples of Endor find the commonly bestowed title “Ewok” to be derogatory. They prefer instead to be referred to as “Jungle Bears.”

Bespin —This gaserino is known mainly for its scenic capital, Cloud City, which in addition to being propelled through the atmosphere on giant lasers is the home of the only black person in the galaxy. Popular attractions include its famous “Bottomless Hole,” the Carbonite Bottling Plant, and the Vidkun Quisling Memorial Museum.

Dagobah—Perfect for those looking to veer off the beaten path, Dagobah is notable for its complete lack of amenities for decent people. Its sole permanent structure is a scientific research base where a trio of Wookies purportedly study the planet’s forty-seven varieties of jungle rot, although some claim their real research objective is determining how long three individuals can coexist with gigantic snakes and freeze-dried coffee before strangling each other. Intergalactic Bookmakers currently has the over/under at forty days.

The planet is also rumored to be the spiritual home of an obscure cult dedicating itself to subject-delayed grammar and dimestore Buddhism. Luckily, these same beliefs dictate that you can mock them without consequence.

Hoth—Famed home of the Ultimate Polar Bear Club, this party planet is the port of origin for buxom blondes and premier liqueurs. A perfect Hoth day involves visiting the clothing-optional hot springs at the Hahamonga Great Ice Plain and going out for dancing afterwards in the famed Absolute Zero nightclub district. The coat-check girls work on commission, so be sure to tip generously, and if you’re drinking, you’ll want to take a tauntaun home to avoid falling prey to the wampa ice creatures.

Naboo—No entry, because nothing ever happened here. It never happened, you hear me! Never!

Tatooine—A trip to Tatooine can be considered to be two vacations in one as the country and the city offer two distinct experiences. The Tatooine countryside, celebrated for its unrelenting misery, is home to the national industry of having your camera stolen by Jawas if you leave it laying anywhere for two goddamned seconds. Moisture-farmers also try to eke a living out of the arid soil by sucking water from the air; if you’re looking for souvenirs for the folks back home, be sure to bring them back a bottle.

Also located in the Tatooine wasteland is the desert fortress of Jabba the Hutt. Attractions there include sampling the latest in amphibious cuisine, as well as visiting the pit of the famed Sarlacc, where daily feedings of the sand creature occur at one and three p.m. Galactic Standard Time. The adjoining gift shop sells licensed merchandise and partially digested pieces of individuals who failed to fully grasp the concept of compounding interest.

As for the city experience, the main place to be on Tatooine is the port town of Mos Eisley. A frontier feel allows for an anything-goes atmosphere, although travelers should be aware that the laissez faire mindset can occasionally be shattered by an innate conservatism on the part of the populace. Gay and lesbian clubs are largely nonexistent, meaning the local Storm Trooper barrack is the closest you’ll come to alternative lifestyle expression. Also, many of the areas watering holes sadly conform to outdated strains of robotophobia. Still, the local music scene is lively and diverse, and the local currency is undervalued, making Mos Eisley an ideal stop for adventure-minded travelers on a budget.

 

 
   
© 2005 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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