Cellular Copperfield
by Nick Holle

 

Three late twenty-somethings––BILL, SAUCEMAN, and RONNY––are sitting in chairs. Bill faces Sauceman and Ronny, who sit next to each other.

SAUCEMAN
Bill, it’s no secret around here about you and Tara Jepson.

RONNY
Exchanging pleasantries.

SAUCEMAN
––and bodily fluids—

RONNY
––for going on six weeks now.

SAUCEMAN
Beautiful girl, Bill.

RONNY
Gorgeous.

SAUCEMAN
Now, Bill, I know she looks like a catch.

RONNY
She looks like a Barbie. So does her sister.

SAUCEMAN
Her sister Sara. Sara and Tara.

RONNY
They’re twins, practically from the same egg.

SAUCEMAN
Identical twins. They are from the same egg.

RONNY
Like I said, they look like a couple of Barbies.

SAUCEMAN
And they look like catches, Bill.

RONNY
But what me and Sauceman wanted to tell you––

SAUCEMAN
––Bill, is that we’re concerned for you.

RONNY
Because you might not be privy to––

SAUCEMAN
––certain information.

RONNY
And it’s our job as your friends––

SAUCEMAN
––to inform you. Because we love you.

RONNY
Not sexually.

SAUCEMAN
Of course not. Like brothers.

RONNY
Not incestually.

SAUCEMAN
Ronny, stop. But what you might not know, Bill, is that the Barbie twins have been around.

RONNY
Sexually.

SAUCEMAN
It’s difficult to estimate with how many.

RONNY
Hundreds? Thousands?

SAUCEMAN
But it is a lot.

RONNY
Eight and ten at a time.

SAUCEMAN
Not to pass judgment, Bill.

RONNY
But we’re worried about diseases.

SAUCEMAN
You know, Bill, AIDS related SIDS, SARS related AIDS, herpes, hepatitis, the clap.

RONNY
Epstein-Barr.

SAUCEMAN
Right.

RONNY
HIV.

SAUCEMAN
HIV?

RONNY
Yeah HIV.

SAUCEMAN
Whatever, Ronny. Point is, Bill––and there is a point here––

RONNY
Besides diseases.

SAUCEMAN
––your girlfriend was married to Kenny Porterhouse. You met him?

RONNY
Jealous type.

SAUCEMAN
Testosterone, football, thick neck.

RONNY
Homophobia.

SAUCEMAN
And Kenny was awfully protective of Tara.

RONNY
And he didn’t like the fact that––

SAUCEMAN
––she nailed any guy who offered his hammer to her.

RONNY
And who’d foot her booze and coke tab.

SAUCEMAN
The sex she gave away for free.

RONNY
Which Kenny cashed in on.

SAUCEMAN
Then they married.

RONNY
And she nearly slept with the best man.

SAUCEMAN
So he cut her off: no more booze, no more bars, no more parties.

RONNY
No more sucking cock for a snort in the bathroom stall of Times Two at one in the morning.

SAUCEMAN
Ronny, please. Show some respect.

RONNY
Sorry about the sucking-cock part, Bill.

SAUCEMAN
Kenny wanted her to obey the seventh commandment.

RONNY
No more extramarital free-lance.

SAUCEMAN
If she wanted to go out it had to be to the circus, the ice-capades, and magic shows.

RONNY
She agreed out of love.

SAUCEMAN
Well, Kenny was betting she wouldn’t be having adulterous affairs with ten-year-olds.

RONNY
He bet wrong.

SAUCEMAN
Not with a ten-year-old, Bill, but she did have an affair.

RONNY
Full of mystery and intrigue.

SAUCEMAN
With David Copperfield.

RONNY
Not from the Dickens novel. The magician.

SAUCEMAN
The illusionist, who she met at a show.

RONNY
The affair was not an illusion though.

SAUCEMAN
No, there was plenty of sex.

RONNY
All kinds.

SAUCEMAN
She’s a tiger, Bill.

RONNY
You know as well as anybody.

SAUCEMAN
Full of sexual antics.

RONNY
And gymnastics.

SAUCEMAN
And Copperfield is a catch.

RONNY
A world-renowned catch.

SAUCEMAN
Though he’s not good with cell phones.

RONNY
This is the catch.

SAUCEMAN
One day, Kenny borrows Tara’s cell phone to make a long-distance call.

RONNY
Unlimited nights and weekends.

SAUCEMAN
But Kenny’s a smart guy, and he checks her call history.

RONNY
And whose name pops up five, six times a day?

SAUCEMAN
So Kenny dials Copperfield, and Copperfield answers.

RONNY
Because it’s his phone.

SAUCEMAN
And Copperfield starts talking in his Copperfield voice about putting his sword into her box.

RONNY
Sexually.

SAUCEMAN
Kenny hangs up and starts putting metaphors and Caller ID together, figuring out Tara’s adulterating with the David Copperfield.

RONNY
Kenny’s not the type who reads Dickens.

SAUCEMAN
So he’s pissed and wants a divorce. Probably would’ve killed Copperfield if he could’ve found the slippery SOB.

RONNY
Tara tries to be Apologetic Barbie.

SAUCEMAN
And she begs for Kenny’s forgiveness, blaming this all on her affliction.

RONNY
Acute nymphomania.

SAUCEMAN
Promises to keep it in her pants from here on out.

RONNY
Well, keep it out of her pants.

SAUCEMAN
So in a last-ditch effort to save the marriage she goes to break it off with Copperfield.

RONNY
But he doesn’t care.

SAUCEMAN
Copperfield’s not the type of guy to put all his sperm in one basket.

RONNY
He was also sleeping with Sara. Sexually.

SAUCEMAN
Tara’s twin.

RONNY
The Barbie Twins.

SAUCEMAN
Tara was shocked, betrayed.

RONNY
Copperfield was stoic, mysterious.

SAUCEMAN
Actually we’re not even sure if Copperfield knew the difference between Tara and Sara.

RONNY
His publicist won’t comment.

SAUCEMAN
That’s probably why he didn’t make his name on Tara’s Caller ID disappear.

RONNY
It’s hard to be discreet when you’re the world’s greatest illusionist.

SAUCEMAN
Devastated by Copperfield’s disinterest, she went out and slept with the Lakers.

RONNY
No, it was the Clippers.

SAUCEMAN
And Kenny divorced her.

RONNY
Copperfield dumped Sara, went on to another Barbie

SAUCEMAN
Sara married Kenny.

RONNY
Who divorced her when he caught her end-over-backwards with Teller.

SAUCEMAN
And Tara ended up with you, Bill.

RONNY
And we wanted to make sure––

SAUCEMAN
––you knew what you were getting into.

There is a long silence.

BILL
Ronny? Sauceman? I appreciate your concern. I was unaware of Tara’s previous marriage to Kenny and equally unaware of her sexual proclivity. I’m not sure what to make of it. I find it interesting, though, that two people such as Tara and I both have had torrid love affairs with David Copperfield, mine based purely on a need, deep down, to be satisfied by someone who can escape from chains from the sixtieth floor of a burning building in less than four minutes. Makes me so hot. And I––

SAUCEMAN
Wait a second, Bill, you slept with Copperfield?

BILL
Sure. Several times. Once on the sixtieth floor of a burning building.

RONNY
God, Bill, we never took you for a––

BILL
––Transgender bisexual? Nobody does really.

RONNY
Uh...yeah.

SAUCEMAN
Well, we never took Copperfield for one anyway.

RONNY
Bill, can I ask you a question? What’s Copperfield like in the sack?

BILL
A gentleman never tells, boys, a gentleman never tells.

SAUCEMAN
Well, fuckin’ A. Who needs a drink?

 

 
   
© 2004 Nick Holle, All Rights Reserved
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