Excerpts From Claus, Santa's Unauthorized Biography
by James Seidler

 

“Klaus grew up in abject poverty. As he himself often liked to point out, ‘When I was a kid, I wasn’t around, so I never got shit for Christmas.’”

* * *

“Following the downturn at the North Pole following his ill-advised investments in the ‘new economy,’ Santa knew he had to increase efficiency to stay in business. In examining his costs he found that most things couldn’t be cut—toy raw-goods costs were set by the market, reindeer feed was at an all-time high—but he did notice that the elves’ health benefits and vacation time outstripped ninety-percent of the industry. Santa went to the elves with talk of belt-tightening and needing to cut back; when they refused to meet his demands he laid them all off and replaced them with child laborers in Bangladesh.

In interviews at the time Santa defended his decision, saying that labor costs needed to come down and that as long as the boys and girls working in his factories were good little boys and girls and didn’t talk to anti-globalization activists, they would still get presents for Christmas.

‘Santa,’ he was asked, ‘doesn’t exploiting child labor seem contrary to the Spirit of Christmas?’

‘Don’t tell me about the Spirit of Christmas!’ he thundered. ‘I am the Spirit of Christmas.’”

* * *

“The first cracks in the North Pole’s cheery veneer came when Mrs. Claus came across intimate emails sent to Santa by Julie Cosmar, a housewife in Dayton, Ohio. The emails, which reportedly contained lewd pictures of Mrs. Cosmar in red lingerie with a white fringe, also referenced Mrs. Cosmar’s inability to wait for Santa to ‘sneak back down [her] chimney.’

When confronted with the evidence, Santa didn’t even bother trying to deny the liaison. He simply said, ‘Santa has needs, baby.’”

* * *

“In the face of mounting paternity suits, Santa was desperate for more money. Having already laid off the elves though, new revenue streams were hard to find.

Remaining elves in the North Pole reported that some particularly ill-gotten gains came at the expense of the reindeer retirement program. ‘If you want to find Dasher, Ditzen, and Blitzen,’ one source reported, ‘you better be looking in an Elmer’s bottle.’”

* * *

“Santa hit rock bottom when DEA officials, responding to an anonymous tip, found forty tons of pure Columbian cocaine in the false bottom of his sleigh. Santa tried to claim diplomatic immunity as a North Pole official, but was lead away in handcuffs after head-butting an arresting officer.

The anonymous tipster was later reported to have been Mrs. Claus herself, who was said to have declared, in tears, ‘I just wanted my old Santa back.’”

 

 
   
© 2004 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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