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My Letter Not To Me, Andrew Dombrowski
by Andrew Dombrowski


Dear Andrew Dombrowski,

I see from your web page that you attend the University of Chicago, study Slavic linguistics and like to smoke the hookah every now and then. You have a beard. And you also happen to have the same name as me. Before you start getting all buddy-buddy with me, let's just make one thing clear: your reign as the top search result when you Google Andrew Dombrowski is coming to an end.

Currently you occupy the top two spots with a link to your home page and a link to your CV. Note: You should call it curricula vitae instead of CV. Curricula vitae just looks a whole lot more professional. It says, "Not only am I a master of Slavic languages, but I also know my Latin. So you better give me that fellowship biatch."

Ideally, though, you should call it a résumé like everyone else.

I'll admit your résumé's content is impressive, but the presentation is no good. No one cares if you presented papers titled "Active participles in Stefanit i Ixnilat: The evolution of participial forms in a Middle Bulgarian Manuscript" if the web design is poor. A black background with white text? What is this, 1995? If you want to occupy the first spot on Google, you should have a professional looking web page.

I occupy the following two spots on Google's search results, both of which are very professional looking. The first one is a PDF file from Drayton Hall, a National Trust Historic Site, where I used to work. If you open the file and scroll down a couple of pages to the "New Faces" section, you'll see a picture and brief bio of me from when I first started working there.

Check it out—I had a beard then too, but notice how it’s neatly trimmed. Invest in a pair of clippers because the ladies don't like it when you look like the caddy from Happy Gilmore. Trust me on that one. The next link is the one that will be replacing your home page as the first search result when you Google Andrew Dombrowski. Look closely—it’s the monthly article that I write for FLYMF, and soon it will be the first thing you see when you Google our name.

I can see you now, smugly sitting at your computer (probably a Mac), Googling your name and having your web page pop up as the first search result. You take a hit off the hookah and feel that all is right in your world.

But one day in the near future your world is going to come crashing down all around you. You'll sit down, Google your name and it will be the second or possibly third one down.

That's right, possibly third.

The first link will introduce you to some hardcore hilarity that I don't think you can handle. The second link will be the PDF file from Drayton Hall. And I can't say for sure where your website will show up. I noticed from your résumé that you are graduating from the University of Chicago in June 2006. I also notice that your webpage is done through the University of Chicago's server. Don't count on it being there much longer—colleges usually get rid of stuff like that six months after you graduate. So unless you're willing to cough up the dough and buy your own domain name, get used to seeing my links up first. And if for some reason you’re continuing your studies at U of C or some other school, well, best of luck to you.


Andrew Dombrowski


© 2006 Andrew Dombrowski, All Rights Reserved
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