GEMINIght In Shining Armor
Your sexual aura is so overwhelming that some of us are so freakishly turned on we want to punch you in the skull. At your birthday party this year, I suggest you offer pony rides and play the part of trusty steed yourself, fulfilling all of our wishes for a ride on the Gemini. Get as drunk as you like but heed this warning: if you eat too much cake or swallow your gum, you'll fart blood like an idiot.
Get Your CRABies Vaccination
Congratulations on passing your recent drug test with your stepfather's urine! Personally, Cancer, I think you'd be better off getting caught, as you see how far recent experimenting can take you. Remember, Sign of the Psycho—Old Yeller was a Cancer and that lovable fool went down hard.
Someone to ReLION
I didn't think anything could slow down the awesome mating power of the Leo. But suddenly you're finding your raunchy wit has a higher purpose than just getting laid, and you're using your powers for good. We're lining up around the block to sit in your lap as you tell us, as only a Leo can, "It'll be all right…we'll break a bottle and cut the bastard."
VIRGIN 'n Tonic
It's cute when you play demure and then drink us under the table while blowing our minds with all the sick, new slang you picked up from strippers. But remember what Mom always says, Virgo: "Even though strippers have bad drugs, they share them for FREE!"
You've Got SCALES!
Tsk, tsk, Libra. Your feelings of entitlement are wrecking your love life. Believe me, mighty Scales, violating the inbox of your significant other is dangerous business. There are certain things even a know-it-all like you just isn't supposed to know. Stop reading their e-mail. Print it out and have your best friend read it for you instead.
SCORPIO May Cause Headaches and Anal Leakage
Ya ever break up with somebody who you hate so much that you wish you had an STD just so they did too? That's what it's like splitting up with a Scorpio, but instead of recurring itchy bumps, you infect our self-esteem. Getting a complex from someone is even worse than getting an STD since penicillin can't combat crippling insecurity. Play nice, Scorpio, or start collecting a commission from therapists who stock up on your exes as patients.
Defense Is Leading the Witness, Your ARCHER!
Dear, gullible Sagittarius, if you stopped talking about yourself for one moment you'd see that everyone is trying to eat your precious energy. Think about it—when was the last time you paid for your own drink? What was the last disagreement you had? Everyone is dotting on you cause they wanna eat your soul. Clue Number One should've been when they agreed with you that Elvis is still alive.
Stick To the Herd, GOAT
Having Buddha statues around your apartment doesn’t automatically make you enlightened, Capricorn. But helping that old Buddhist monk across Fifth Avenue certainly makes you appear spiritual. Too bad it was outside Saks where everyone is busier wondering about whether your Fendhi bag is real than about your faux goodwill.
I'll Have a Banana dAQUARIUS
Nobody ever needed a vacation more than you, Water-bearer, but it's high time your travels brought you wisdom instead of tattoos you don't remember obtaining. Don't follow the lead of Aquarius Paris Hilton and return to Vegas—you don't have cars your daddy bought for you to gamble with and lose. But unlike Paris, you do have attractive feet.
Of PISCES And Men
I thought people putting rodents in their butts was an urban legend until I met you, Pisces. Trying new things is good and I encourage your exploration. But get with the times, Fishheads—gerbil in the butt is sooooo 1993! And the local emergency room is still talking about your last visit
RAM Me Up, Scotty!
You've got a real flare for giving others drama without being wrapped up in it, Aries. And it probably won't surprise you to know that both William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy are of your climactic sign. Come down to earth. You don't need theatrics to win hearts, delectable fire sign. After all, what other sign could pull off a man girdle?
Don't TAURUS Apart
Getting in shape is a great way to ensure your enjoyment of summer, vigorous Bull, but take it easy. Despite your appearance, you're a rather fragile sign, prone to all kinds of ligament damage and whatnot. Your pursuits to fellate yourself may be futile, but don't get me wrong—the yoga class is a good idea.