by James Seidler

Summer vacation. Few words produce a greater sense of nostalgia. Everyone from the hardened criminal to the hardened-arteried retiree has fond memories of summer vacation, of long days spent doing absolutely nothing and longer nights spent chasing the fancy of the moment, whether it be fireflies, rumors of Stroh’s Lite, or Cindy Bergelman’s sweet ass.

Those were the days of Cherry Kool Aid and ice cream sandwiches my friends and sadly, for most of us, those days have receded into the distant past. But this isn’t how it has to be.

For summer vacation to reach its true potential it should be given to those who need it most: hardworking adults. As it stands now summer vacation is wasted on the young, like youth itself.

After all, what’s so stressful about kids’ lives that they need three months of doing nothing in the summer? “Duck, duck, goose?” Coloring? Getting hand jobs from a sixteen year-old sousaphonist? Give me a break! Most adults have to book package tours to Thailand to do this type of stuff.

What those little freeloaders need to do is get off their butts and get a summer job so their parents can get some well-deserved R & R. This idea isn’t without historical precedent. After all, the original purpose of summer vacation was for kids to work backbreaking hours on the family farm without school getting in the way. Kids learned to work hard and they learned to like it. Hell, after a summer spent dodging tractors and nearly being sucked into threshers, kids were probably happy to go back to school.

Unfortunately, this country has since lost the tradition of exploitative child labor that made it great, and summer vacation’s become just another excuse to raid the liquor cabinet after dad goes off to his soul-sucking nine-to-five. There are even “laws” in the U.S. that strongly regulate most forms of child labor.

These “laws” are prime examples of where Congress should step in to correct past legislative do-gooderism. After all, if our government can’t act to ensure me three uninterrupted months of enjoying Victor Bergeron Mai Tai’s on the beach, then what the hell is it good for?

Forcing children to work through their summers would give our nation’s sagging work ethic a shot in the arm, as well as establish summer vacation as the ultimate party experience it was always meant to be. If you think college students on spring break can do some damage, just wait until disgruntled accountants are unleashed to drink for twenty days straight. Fans of “Girls Gone Wild” will do the same when they see “Social Workers With A Little Schnapps In Them” unleashed on DVD. Budweiser and Trojan Condoms could step in to sponsor, and beach towns and bartenders all along the coast could float year-long from the summer’s bacchanalia. It’s win-win for everyone.

In short, it’s time for adults to live a little. Attention America’s youth: the free ride is over! Nine months a year is more than enough time to spend slaving away for some ungrateful punks who can’t be bothered to take the trash out every once in a while. Believe us, you’ll appreciate us a lot more after a summer spent detassling corn to pay the rent.

By the way, retirees, don’t think we’ve overlooked you either. I hear Wal-Mart has plenty of openings.

© 2004 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved.