Seventy-Five Things You Can Do With A Hairdryer

by Janalynn Bliss, Caroline Frost, and Nick Holle

1.  Dry hair.

2. Drop it in a bathtub to commit suicide.

3.  Fuck it.

4. Get fucked by it.

5.  Fluff your cat.

6.  Drown out the noise of this cruel, cruel world.

7.  Swallow it and see if it takes longer to digest than gum.

8.  Blow around dust bunnies.

9.  Blow around real bunnies.

10.  Start a forest fire.

11.  Heat up cold spaghetti.

12.  Melt ice.

13.  Put it under your coat and hold up a bank.

14.  Counter global warming by using it to evaporate rising ocean levels.

15.  Bludgeon a sassy child.

16.  Stick it in your pants to warm your deal/dry your deal.

17.  Play catch.

18.  Blow smoke up someone's ass.

19.  Tie your mother up with the cord.

20.  Take it apart, reverse the motor, and use it to suck up toast crumbs, leg hair.

21.  Draw a face on it and do a puppet show.

22.  Tie it to a float, hop on, and ride it.

23.  Along with a pair of flaming bowling pins, juggle it.

24.  Stick it in your mouth for supplemental oxygen.

25.  Stick it in your mouth and dry it out.

26.  Put it in a cannon and fire it across your enemy's bow.

27.  Throw it out and let the homeless fight over it.

28.  Stick it in your turkey's deal and thaw its insides.

29.  Skip rope.

30.  Remove cord and boomerang it.

31.  Take it to Starbucks, buy it a latte, talk to it, impress you neighbors with your sanity.

32.  Use it to blow under the sheets, pre-warm the bed.

33.  Set it on a throne and call it Your Majesty.

34.  Play catch with it.

35.  Role play! You're a cowboy/hairdresser. Whip it around like a lasso.

36.  Pour water, acid in wrong end and mist yourself.

37.  As a trendy fashion statement, hang it from your belt, hooking onto your chain along with your wallet and set of janitor's keys.

38.  Challenge it to a duel.

39.  Fry an egg...slowly.

40.  Smother pests and rodents in its snout.

41.  Tell it all your problems, fantasies, and secrets.

42.  Put a note inside it and float it out to sea. Wait for response.

43.  Hate it.

44.  Love it.

45.  Be indifferent about it.

46.  Put a corvette engine in it, put it on roller skates, cruise around the neighborhood.

47.  Use it to wake up your lazy-ass husband.

48.  Rob a bank with it. Be redundant with it.

49.  Play "Taps" with the high, medium, and low settings.

50.  Redeem yourself with it.

51.  Use it has a metaphor for a dried-up romantic relationship.

52.  Introduce it to another attractive and single hair dryer.

53.  Wow the masses by balancing on it on one foot.

54.  Bury in haystack, look for it, then compare a similar searching experience to be "like trying to find a hair dryer in a haystack."

55.  Plant it in the ground and see if it grows.

56.  Insert it into vagina in order to blow out sexually transmitted diseases. (Same with penis. Caution: insert penis rather than insert into penis.)

57.  Try to teach it arithmetic.

58.  Drop it from a wall and see if all the king's horses and all the king's men can put it back together again.

59.  Make it the butt of a joke: A priest, a rabbi, and a hair dryer walk into a bar...

60.  Gut it and use it as a penny bank.

61.  Tie the cord around your waist and call it your tail.

62.  Put it and a hand vacuum next to a mess and let them duke it out.

63.  Fed Ex it to Belgium, and have your buddy in Antwerp Fed Ex it back. See how long this takes.

64.  Have a ball with Hypercolor T-shirts.

65.  Inflate large balloons.

66.  Give it to your balding aunt for Christmas as a gag gift.

67.  Colonel Mustard in the Dining Room with the Hair Dryer.

68.  Becoming a hair dryer salesman and frame it as your very first hair dryer sold.

69.  Sixty-nine it.

70.  Emboss it in gold.

71.  Bet it in a game of Russian Roulette.

72.  Write a will and leave it to the Catholic Church.

73.  Put it in a time capsule and dry your hair with it in thirty years.

74.  Draw its portrait on the rear window of a filthy Chevrolet Cavalier.

75.  Use it to stimulate creativity.

 

© 2004 Janalynn Bliss, Caroline Frost, Nick Holle , All Rights Reserved.