by Dr. Aloysius “Billy” Nunama

Dear Poop Doctor,

I am a twenty-two year old male, and I never look at my poop after I’m done pooping. But the other day my friend was describing a recent poop, and I told him that I couldn’t believe he looked at his poop. I admitted to him that I NEVER look, and then he proceeded to ridicule me for it. And so did the rest of my friends. Who’s in the wrong here? Looking at your own poop is gross and disgusting and also gross. Tell my friends they’re fucking nuts.

Seeing Is Dumb and Stupid

Well, SIDS, I hate to break it to you, but you’re the one who’s fucking nuts. Everybody looks at their own poop, and if they don’t, they should. First and foremost, you should examine every poop for potential disease symptoms. I would bet that not even you, SIDS, would want to be pooping blood for months and not even know it. Besides bloody poop, you want to be looking for signs of diarrhea, abnormal coloration, mucousy poop, hardened poop, watery poop, and, of course, anorectal pain, which I suppose you wouldn’t have to look for. All of these could be signs that something is not right in your body, SIDS, with the potential of being something serious.

And if you’re not looking at your poop for signs of disease, perhaps you should look at it for fun. It’s always interesting to see if you can identify last night’s dinner or the gum that you swallowed seven years ago. Also, poop comes in all sorts of funny shapes and sizes. They’re a lot like clouds in that way, they can turn your imagination loose. And you can always salvage a bad day by treating yourself to a game of “Will It Float?”

The possibilities are endless, SIDS, you just have to let go of the idea that poop is gross and disgusting and embrace it. And one final thing, please, please look at the poop that is on the toilet paper. You, at least, have to make sure your ass is clean.

Dear Poop Doctor,

I have a really hairy ass, so wiping is a complete nightmare for me. I’ve tried shaving, but it’s rather impossible for those hard to reach areas without risking serious injury. And toilet paper just rips up when I try to scrub really hard. Is there a brand of T.P. that would be better for this ailment than others? I’ve tried everything.

Hairy Ass Sucks Big Rank Onions

Jeez, HASBRO, that’s tough luck. If you’ve ruled out laser hair removal and butt waxing, and if you’ve already tried nearly all brands of T.P.—even the four-ply, heavy-duty, quilted stuff—the only thing I can tell you is to wipe with a warm, wet towel. This may complicate pooping in public, as you’d have to carry your towel around with you in a man purse or something, but if it means you won’t be walking around with a hairy, poopy ass, then maybe it’s your best option. Or better yet, always be aware of the nearest shower.

Dear Poop Doctor,

I recently read your column for the first time, and I can’t believe this shit. Is talking about poop really necessary?

Puke-Inducing Column

There are a lot of sex advice columns out there, PIC, and rightfully so. I consider sex to be the best physical feeling in the world. But I consider pooping to be the second best, and many people agree with me. And for something that is that high on the list, you’d think it deserves at least one advice column. Thus “Enjoy Your Bliss.”

But to answer your question, “Is talking about poop really necessary?” Maybe not. Man has survived thousands, maybe millions, of years of evolution by keeping the discussion about poop to a minimum. But I should remind everyone that man could not have survived all those years without pooping. It’s something all of us do every day—twice if we’re lucky—and maybe even one in the pants if we die or win the lottery. But if we’re doing it every day, I think we should give poop at least as much attention as, say, Christmas, which only happens once a year.

As for the puke-inducing, that’s a subject for a completely different column.

The Poop Doctor is a nationally syndicated advice column. Dr. Aloysius “Billy” Nunama is neither a licensed physician nor does he know anything about psychology or psychiatry. But his fifty-two years of pooping experience speaks for itself.

E-mail your pooping concerns to poopdoctor@flymf.com.

* Please Note: The Poop Doctor is not responsible for injuries or emergencies resulting from misconstrued advice or copycat poopings.

© 2004 Dr. Aloysius “Billy” Nunama, All Rights Reserved.