Make
Me Feel Good
Macky Donalds!
by Peter Sanders
Oh Daddy Why?
Why does Macky Donalds have all the healthy food to confuse me? Why do they try to make me feel bad about feeling good before feeling bad? Why salad in a plastic shaker cup? That’s the same cup they make my sundae in with hot fudge or caramel (or strawberries on Strawberry Sundays) melting slowly down the clear plastic edges of the cup! Why do they package the peanuts in a little crackhead dime-bag pack instead of sprinkling them on top like they used to. I’m not allergic Daddy!
Why can’t the allergics just not order the peanuts? Why do they always have to fuck things up for me and my sundae? My peanuts always spill when I open them and try to shake them on top. Then they end up all in one place, on top of the swirly vanilla, near the narrow tip that flops back on the mound. When they used to spread the peanuts for me, they used to know how to put them all around. Some used to even land in the fudge or caramel (or strawberries on Strawberry Sundays). The sundaes were good then.
Why do they have fruit salad at Macky Donalds? Why do I have to look at the fruit or the wraps or the salad shaker when I am ordering my #2 combo? The two cheeseburgers are so cute together, and the fries spill out of the carton on the picture menu, brushing up against the yellow wrappers of my cheeseburgers. Even if you don’t “Super-size” it, the fries still spill out. When I get my tray, I take it to my table and tap the fry box so some spill out on my tray and kiss my cheeseburger wrappers (I don’t kiss the wrappers, the fries give them a little peck). Just like the on the picture menu. If I had a digital camera with me every time I went to Macky Donalds, I would take their picture every time. And then I would email it to myself at all of my email accounts, in case one picture got lost.
I love my cheeseburgers because the cheese never melts on the burger. And they use too much ketchup, so it always drips onto my clothes. But since the cheese never melts, that’s how I know they made it fresh just for me. The crappy salads are all in a case. They aren’t fresh. They weren’t even made at my local Macky Donalds. They made them somewhere else and then left them sitting around in a fridge, hoping that healthy people will go there and buy them. Or, what they really hope for is unhealthy people to go to Macky Donalds and get ready to order a #1 or #2 combo or filet-o’-fish sandwich but are guilty because they saw a documentary where a man played a silly prank on Macky Donalds, or they listen to crap on the radio or TV about fat kids and they order a salad or a yogurt fruit shakeup instead. But Macky Donalds doesn’t want you to feel guilty, they just want you to feel good, but they are confused about how to do that. Taco Bell doesn’t want you to feel bad or healthy; they just want you to feel good in a Mexican-sort-of-way.
Oh Daddy Why?
© 2004 Peter Sanders, All Rights Reserved.
