James Seidler is a writer living in Chicago. He enjoys biting off more than he can chew, fetishizing outdated music formats, and getting upset about politics. He is very happily married. You can read his musings on humor, music, books, politics, and more at his blog, Ape Mind Transcripts , which can be found at flymf.com/blog.
Nick Holle was a co-creator and main contributor to FLYMF . Besides magazine cover modeling, he has produced, written, and starred in the feature film Illegal Use of Joe Zopp. He spends a plurality of his free time going through the same shit, but on different days, and lives with his aunt and fourteen dogs in Lummox, Mississippi.
Patrick Alexander is an English literature major turned English teacher who freelances comedy writing for fun and beer money. He stumbled across FLYMF one fateful day in between Googling his own name and avoiding marking papers. He is currently single, now on the brink of turning 30, and lives in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. You can read more of his darkly humorous musings on life at his Wordpress blog, Poisonclover's Patch , at poisonclover.wordpress.com.
K.M. Breay is a businessman of the old stripe. He came up selling man products, like steel coils, whiskey, and lumber. He learned his trade alongside future captains of industry. Men like Chuck Black. Men who could size a fellow up before the martinis were ordered. Men who knew broads in every corner of their territory. Men who were Men. K.M. Breay didn't learn business from some faggot-ass professor in some wimpy-dick business school. K.M. Breay didn't learn it playing ping-pong with a bunch of soft-in-the-pants Internet dinks. And K.M. Breay certainly didn't learn it from some fucking broad. K.M. Breay learned it the old-fashioned way, from the goddamn ground up. He learned it from guys like Chuck Black. Chuck Black taught K.M. Breay a few things about business. Chuck Black taught K.M. Breay that even if you've been up all night bangin' some broad, you get up the next day, put on a suit and tie, and move some fucking product. Chuck Black taught K.M. Breay to be good to his suppliers, unless they're blacks, then treat 'em that way, like blacks. Chuck Black taught K.M. Breay that a man's handshake means something, even though Chuck Black lost both fucking arms in Korea. This is why K.M. Breay has been the number one manufacturer's rep in his region for the last four years in a row (except last year when some broad dicked him out of his commission).
Laura Callier lives in Chicago with one algae eater and several feral centipedes. She is currently finishing her English degree at Northwestern and is the author and illustrator of the mini-comic Lulu and Burdbird, available through cutegirldemographics.com. To check out her paintings and the world's most poorly designed website, visit both at lauracallier.com.
Dale Dobson continues to write, draw, and perform in the metro Detroit area. His satirical work has recently been published by The Wittenburg Door, Yankee Pot Roast, Cracked, and National Lampoon. Look out! www.daledobson.com!
Andrew Dombrowski : Have you ever been the fourth or fifth person to sign a sympathy card for someone you sort of know at work? Being fourth is tricky, as by that time all of the good sympathy messages have already been taken.
"I'm sorry for your loss. Deborah"
"We'll keep you in our thoughts. Julie"
"I will remember you during your time of sadness. Mark"
"We'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Simon"
Really Simon? You had to take both thoughts and prayers? Thanks for leaving something for the rest of us.
Writing a brief autobiography, you face the same issues: all the good bios have already been taken. So I'll do what I normally do on the sympathy cards, choose the best notes and rework them into something usable. Hence, my autobiography contains a little bit of the best that is currently out there.
After growing up poor and black, I went to the Naval Academy and became the first African American editor of the Harvard Law Review. After the Naval Academy, I spent some time in a P.O.W. camp in Chicago. After my release, I decided it was time to make a foray into politics. I am currently running for president against myself. Or, by the time this is published, will be senator or president.
Thanks, FLYMF, for all the fun, and while it's sad to see you go, I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers.
Lonely and bitter, Larry Gaffney skulks about in the mudflats and dying townships of central Pennsylvania. His many literary honors include the Stump Merrill Award for Baseball Tanka and the Grace Foster Prize for Poetry about Menstrual Unease, which he snagged by submitting a manuscript under a fake name and a photo of Jessica Alba. Fearing legal action, however, he did not cash the $50 check. His memoir, Garage Sales of the Northeast, will be published in 2009 by Adenoid Press.
Ralph Gamelli doesn't enjoy being the focus of attention, so he would very much prefer it if you read this bio quickly and then continued on with your day as if nothing had happened. Thanks.
David G.'s first book, Swift Kicks, was published this year by So New Publishing.
Glen Golightly worked as a journalist for the Dallas Business Journal, Houston Chronicle, and space.com. He's currently a corporate publicist writing nonsensical news releases and translating terms such as "initiate tandem structured bi-monthly agenda" into English. Glen recently had a screenplay optioned by a production company and is currently writing a sitcom. He graduated from the University of Southern California with a Master's of Professional Writing degree in 2006. His latest adventures include performing with an improvisational comedy troupe and studying film directing at UCLA. Glen will write anything for cash or malt liquor.
Mustafa Hamir is currently receiving big cash from the U.S. Army to settle old scores in the name of national security. He still thinks Joel S. Kaplan was the top choice in the 2004 Presidential election.
Anna Hirsh is a full-time freelance writer living in Portland, Oregon (where she got frostbite simply minding her own business, walking around town). Her first novel is waiting for final edits on the desk of a fancy agent, but in the meantime she is writing a pulpy murder mystery with her father and an indie wedding planner with a friend. Because she is a masochist, she also works part-time as the managing director of the Portland Women's Film Festival.
Paul Hogseth was sired, birthed, and raised in Wisconsin. He earned a BBA in Marketing from the University of Wisconsin-Madison in 2001. He is a founding member of the independent film company Wut Wut Alma Moving Pictures LLC and may be the only person we know who has actually slipped and fallen stepping on a banana peel. Paul resides with his wife in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin.
John Jones is a 67-year-old former child actor...(remember the show about the kid and his friend and his other friend?)...who lives in Port St Lucie, Florida with his 19-year-old wife, "Kiki." "Kiki loves me for who I am and not for my money--that's what makes her special," says John. John hopes to one day be a radio talk show host, but not a gay one, or Latino.
Marissa Kristal is a New York City-based writer who originally hails from St. Paul, Minnesota. She has written for various print and online publications, such as Psychology Today, Time Out New York, Chicken Soup for the Soul Magazine, and Collegeclub.com, to name a few. She also served as the NY Correspondent of Boheme Verite, an online arts and culture magazine, as well as the advice columnist at Fazed.com, an ezine geared towards teens and 20-somethings. You can read more of Marissa's work at marissakristal.com.
Jean-Pierre Lacrampe lives in San Francisco and attends Saint Mary's M.F.A. in Creative Writing program. His work has appeared in McSweeney's, Instant City, and Howl, a collection of contemporary dog wit. He is the managing editor of Mary Magazine.
Pamela Light brushes twice a day and flosses once. In between, she manages to teach aerobics, watch bad television, nap, and baby-wrangle her newborn son, Cooper. Oh, and sometimes she thinks of something worth writing down.
Zachary Locklin is a dead-serious author with a noticeably lacking sense of humor who only convinced us to publish his work by offering us various sexual favors. On which he later escaped delivery by claiming to have "a headache" and "an early morning tomorrow." His main interests are zombies, pirates, vikings, zombie pirates, zombie babies, viking-vs.-zombie battles, and Japanese torture films. His favorite alcoholic beverage is the original Trader Vic's Mai Tai. His favorite non-alcoholic beverage is Banana Snapple. Oh, and he also teaches English at California State University, Long Beach, and has been published in Freefall, Re)verb, Pearl, Poetic Diversity, and the Chiron Review, which he co-edits.
Angela Lovell is an award-winning playwright, director, screenwriter, sex columnist, Whorescoper, performing monkey, and soon-to-be novelist. She lives in Brooklyn, where you can find her avoiding dairy and petting strangers' dogs. See her best side at TickingBoxes.com.
Chad Lowry is originally from Akron, Ohio but now lives in Illinois with his wife, three cats, and a beagle named Opus. He enjoys holding yard sales, being told not to wear yellow, and shouting at cars while riding his bike.
Bobby D. Lux spent his formative years in the Himalayas, raised by the Quixihackamang, a race of people expelled from Tibet for "constant gas in meditation class." Since then, he's earned himself a ban from working at Disneyland and spent his twenties telling ghost stories at a third-rate entertainment venue. This book marks his return to comedy writing after a year-long suspension administered by the California State Comedic Commission after he tested positive for comedy-enhancing supplements. He has also created tontoandfriends.com, a daily (mostly) humor website.
Dr. Aloysius "Billy" Nunama is neither a licensed physician nor does he know anything about psychology or psychiatry. But his fifty-two years of pooping experience speaks for itself. The Poop Doctor is a nationally syndicated advice column.
Elizabeth Saas is a writer and stand-up comic from Wallingford, Connecticut. Recently, she co-wrote Comic Book Geeks, a finalist in Fox's 2008 Comedy Pilot Contest. Currently, she can't decide whether her next idea is a novel or a screenplay.
Lori Sichtermann works as a writer/editor in real life. She's written for several nationwide trade magazines--each with a distinctive, yet mind-numbing, focus. "Memoirs of a Shiksa" is the second story of Lori's to be published in a foremost publication such as FLYMF's Greatest Hits. She plans to buy a pony with the royalties. Lori lives in Chicago with her husband, James, and several dead houseplants.
Tex finally saw Brokeback Mountain. He thought it was full of shit.
Michael Zimmer writes and lives in Los Angeles. His interests include cold noodles with sesame sauce, politics, and staying out of jail. He is currently writing a screenplay for Laurence Mark Productions (Dreamgirls, Jerry Maguire) and co-directing a documentary about the World Championship of Old-Time Piano. He's a Taurus and has never punched anyone in the face. But that doesn't mean he won't, so watch your step, Olsen Twins!