Ape Mind Transcripts

It’s an older piece, but Modern Drunkard has a hilarious drink-off featuring some of the top tipplers in history. “Clash of the Tightest” offers a running commentary as Dylan Thomas, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Dean Martin, W.C. Fields and other carousers of note face off over martinis and more. The running commentary is sharp and well-rooted in the relevant works. Beyond that, it’s pretty damn funny too.

Jason Heller mentioned this in yesterday’s, “Your Life, Via the Onion” feature in the AV Club, and, uh, yeah, that was me. High school senior paper, freshman comp, you name it…

Sociology 101 Assignment Stretched to Incorporate ’70s Punk Rock

It’s hard to think of many humor outlets that have enjoyed as sustained a run as The Onion (Mad Magazine? The Daily Show? The Simpsons?), but it’s amazing how successful the parody newspaper has remained some 14 years into mass production. Every week I pick up a copy for my commute, and most weeks I’m goaded into laughing out loud on the bus.

Here are a three stories I really enjoyed this time around:

Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs

“Although many experts have deemed these layoffs an unfortunate reflection of the economic climate, instead of what they actually are, which is a borderline fucking human rights violation, a number of prominent analysts said current market trends show that Wal-Mart may soon recover from its current woes, as if anyone with an ounce of human decency even gives a shit.”

NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission

“NASA’s re-designed Spirit rover, nicknamed ‘Leper Messiah,’ will measure if sunlight striking the Martian surface is strong enough to produce a snow white tan.”

Smoove Is Not a Fan of Valentine’s Day

“Despite these inconveniences, the main reason Smoove does not like Valentine’s Day is that women always expect their men to bump up their game on that night. Now, that makes sense if you are dating a man who is not Smoove. If your romantic output normally hovers around 5 or 10 percent, then increasing that number to 20 percent is a sensible thing. However, what the ladies don’t realize is that I’m like a romance test pilot. I’m already pushing the romantic envelope every single evening. So if you try to push it any harder, the love jet will not be able to handle the strain and will go spinning wildly out of control.”

Very funny stuff. I can see now why Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem didn’t give Animal more lead vocal parts…he gets a little confused sometimes.

The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

John Hodgman, author of the exceedingly funny “Areas of My Expertise” and “More Information Than You Require,” is interviewed in Psychology Today.

Ideally, fake facts help to jostle our imaginations. They remind us how much of actual history is so strange, and novelistic, and practically unbelievable.

But I am not a lunatic. Obviously I know that it wasn’t Satan who had taken over Jefferson’s mind, but the Mole-Men.

Ian Frazier’s latest humor piece in the New Yorker, “Mi Chiamo Stan,” is especially funny for anyone who’s seen these Rosetta Stone advertisements before.

I wish I’d have thought of it first. It’s really well done.