Jay Kingmaker: Fan Mail Wizard
One of the most prolific writers in the modern fan-mail response industry is Jay Kingmaker, a man responsible for some of the finest and most diplomatic responses ever mailed. Whenever a standard autographed photo and form letter simply won’t do, the nation’s best and brightest turn to Kingmaker. We are proud to present this sampling of his recent work:
Dear Miss Smith,
We regret to inform you that Mr. Chris Farley passed away in 1997. We are sure that if he were alive he would have been delighted to attend your birthday party and make funny faces for all of your little friends, especially if your little friends are generous with the alcohol and narcotics.
Unfortunately, Mr. Farley will not be able to attend due to the present circumstances of his untimely death.
On behalf of Mr. West, Mr. Keaton, Mr. Kilmer, Mr. Clooney, and Mr. Bale, I must inform you that the Batman is in fact a fictional character and will therefore not be able to assist you with your present kidnapping difficulties.
I recommend that you contact appropriate law enforcement authorities. Please accept the enclosed X-Men 3 souvenir pocketknife as an aid to your escape and self-defense plans.
Thank you for your interest.
Jay “The Boy Wonder” Kingmaker
Mr. Jason Alexander regrets to inform you that his busy shooting schedule will not allow time for any more television commercials until sometime in late 2008. He is currently endorsing, appearing on behalf of, or acting as spokesperson for eighty-seven different consumer products.
However, if you have a full-length film or television project in the works involving product placement, Mr. Alexander will endeavor to present your goods in the best possible light. He suggests that he might be effectively employed to portray an irritable snowboarding instructor for Mountain Dew or Red Bull, an apoplectic real estate agent for Century 21 or Help-U-Sell, or an easily aggravated God for the Southern Baptist Convention or the Church of Latter-Day Saints.
Jay “Fool on the Shill” Kingmaker
I have spoken with the representatives of Mr. Law and Mr. Depp per your request.
While both expressed a tentative interest in the project, some key questions must be answered before they can entertain your proposal.
- Will Mr. Depp be expected to service Mr. Law? As a matter of personal policy, Mr. Depp will not “catch.”
- Will Mr. Law be expected to service Mr. Depp? Mr. Law is excited about this possibility.
- Will you be willing to service either of the male participants? In what way(s)?
- Is it your expectation that “little Jude” and/or “little Johnny” will be used to service you personally, simultaneously or sequentially? Please list all related openings and cadence plans.
For purposes of this contract, “service” is defined as “the placement of the first party inside or around the second party, followed by movement back and forth until a satisfactory outcome is achieved for one or both parties.”
Please respond in detail for purposes of further discussion. Thank you.
“Sleazy” Jay Kingmaker
Thank you for your warm words and condolences concerning the recent passing of Mr. Denver.
His family wishes you to understand that he and the other “castaways” were in fact actors whose time on the “island” was actually quite pleasant and comfortable, taking place as it did on a studio lot in California. The castaways were only on the island set during filming and were free to come and go as they pleased after work. The series completed production in 1967, and the lagoon and hut sets were dismantled shortly thereafter.
Mr. Denver spent his remaining active years in pleasant comfort, making guest appearances on Fantasy Island, Hollywood Squares, and The Love Boat among other popular television series. You might wish to explore some of these and many other programs available on your television set.
The family has donated your generous shipment of radios, batteries, emergency flares, and contemporary clothing to Hurricane Katrina relief efforts. Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you for the additional information concerning your present circumstances. Again, I must inform you that even though your abductor favors colorful costumes and witty one-liners, Batman remains a fantasy creation, incapable of any intervention in your present unfortunate situation. Thank you.
Jay “BIFF! POW!” Kingmaker
Our meteorologist, Mr. Gadica, thanks you for your comments and constructive input regarding his twice-nightly broadcasts and emergency updates.
The purpose of the weather forecast portion of our program is to inform viewers of present and predicted weather conditions in the metropolitan Detroit area. Your suggestions for additional characters are well stated, but are not in keeping with the spirit of the broadcast. Mr. Gadica has no need of a “sexy assistant,” a “nosey older neighbor,” or a “loyal, mystery-solving dog” during his meteorological appearances.
Also, while we have no doubt that it would be “more exciting” if a major hurricane were to form over Lake Michigan, present climate conditions and global weather patterns make this a highly unlikely event. We do not create the weather; we merely report it.
Thank you for your imaginative suggestions.
Jay “Journalistic Integrity” Kingmaker