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Conclusions To Long-running Comic Strips
by James Seidler

 

Garfield— Garfield’s cousin Lincoln, a younger, sassier version of the fat cat is introduced to the Arbuckle household in a bid to liven things up with his wild eating habits and sarcastic comments. Just wait until you get a load of what he thinks about Mondays!

Crock—Commandant Vermin P. Crock renames himself Crock Abdullah-Sharaff and adopts Shariah law in a bid to stave off fundamentalist political opponents. Despite a sustained letter-writing campaign from Amnesty International, no political prisoners ever emerge from the regime’s dungeons.

For Better or For Worse—As in life, “for worse” eventually wins outs as the characters grow old and pass away. After a while, no one thinks about them much anymore.

The Phantom—“The Man Who Cannot Die” finds that AIDS operates without much respect for elaborate pseudonyms. Just because you’re “The Ghost Who Walks” doesn’t mean you can get away with not wearing a rubber in sub-Saharan Africa.

Dick Tracy—Detective Tracy catches two slugs in the skull in a double-cross by Junior, the culmination of a decades-long revenge plot conducted in collaboration with the Moon People.

B.C.—Per Johnny Hart’s belief system, all cavemen perished in the Great Flood, which occurred 4,312 years prior to the present day (or 1,656 years after the creation of the Earth).

Cathy—Advancements in fertility treatments enable Cathy to become a first-time mother at 45; soon afterward, Irving leaves her for an intern in marketing.

Hagar the Horrible—An arrow lays our hero low/two maidens are sent flaming to Valhalla alongside him/the gods are pleased/but Eddie weeps alone in the tavern

Marmaduke—“Ol’ Marmaduke? Bat bit him, must’ve been three winters back. Pa had to put him down behind the shed…a sad day that was.”

Wizard of Id—Id was overrun in Hagar the Horrible’s last great battle. Sir Rodney attempted to flee but was cut down by his own troops.

Beetle Bailey—Beetle and Killer allow themselves to be caught in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” moment to avoid being returned to Baghdad for a third tour.

Blondie—After a long, fulfilling life, Dagwood finds himself surrounded by his loving family on his death bed. His last thoughts are of an eight-inch quintuple-decker, complete with roast beef and homemade mayonnaise.

Dennis the Menace—Ritalin

Family Circus—Mommy, Daddy, Billy, Dolly, and PJ are found slaughtered in their beds; police give little credence to Jeffy’s theory that Ida Know did it.

Mark Trail—Much like Steve Irwin, only involving a bobcat.

Mary Worth—Her mobility gone, Mary Worth spends her last days drinking boxed wine and wondering why the newspaper never prints her letters.

Rex Morgan, M.D.—Fed up with the increasing commercialization of modern medicine, Rex closes his successful practice and moves to Central America to open a free clinic. To this day, when his name is mentioned, women dab their eyes and men raise a tequila to say, “Ah, there was a man.”

 

 
   
© 2007 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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