Selected E-Mails From Cabot Sinclair, Literary Agent And Really Nice Guy
by Larry Gaffney

…Everyone is trying to cash in on Dan Brown’s success these days…The Goya Cryptography isn’t going to make it, in my opinion, but thanks for giving me a look-see…

…Thank you for sending the memoir about your grandfather, aka “Pop-Pop,” a man who, as you put it, “always had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.” I’m going to decline, but I wish you luck in finding a home for it with another agency. Failing that, you might consider one of the subsidy houses, since this kind of book would certainly be a hit with your friends and family…

…Judging by the synopsis, I would say that Your Doctor Is Killing You lacks evidence to support your claim that the medical profession is teeming with sadists…an encounter with one ham-handed proctologist does not make you an expert…

…I think Mud-Wrestling Emily Dickinson is a worthwhile memoir, but the subtitle, A Bulldyke’s Coming of Age—and Coming Out—in a Strait-laced New England Family, should be sheared of the “B” word, which will offend the very readers you are trying to reach…the author’s photo you thoughtfully included with your synopsis should cover it…

 …Although I am mildly curious to know how one could create a novelization of American Idol, I’ll take a flyer on this…

…While your idea for a book entitled Upstate Paparazzi has merit, I seriously doubt that anyone outside of, well, Upstate NY would be interested in seeing candid photos of businessmen, local politicians, and small-market newscasters carousing in the hot spots of Oswego, Schenectady, or Batavia…

…The thesis of Mealworms of the Gods—that aliens are abducting us not for their own cook pots, but to feed to their pets—is compelling, but I’m going to pass on this one…

…Sure, who wouldn’t want to lose weight on the Cheetos & Chocolate Bunny Rabbit Diet? However, your medical credentials—first-year student in the Physician’s Assistant Program at Dharma University Online—inspire little trust…

…Thanks for sending the synopsis of The Caravaggio Code, but I get a lot of these, and none of them are likely to unseat the original…

…Salesman of the Century seems a grandiloquent claim, don’t you think?…I’m certain that a long career of selling metal fasteners was absorbing for you, but—and it pains me to say this—such a story is just not very interesting to the general reader, despite the interweaving of your personal theories on metempsychosis and astral projection…

…Your book on meditation for Roman Catholics is a good idea, but you have chosen an unfortunate title. While the notion of “killing the Buddha”—i.e., eliminating the association of an icon or personage with one’s quest for enlightenment—works for Buddhists, I am quite certain that Kill the Pope would be taken the wrong way. Try to imagine, Mr. O’Grady, such a book on a table at Sam’s Club, with the title in vivid block lettering, and then consider what kind of person would be instinctively drawn to it. Come up with a better title and you might have a winner, although I will still decline, since I do not represent books on spirituality…

…Good luck with The Norman Rockwell Enigma...

…Just received your outline for The Aardwolf Who Solved the Hate Crime in Minneapolis…for one thing, what is an aardwolf doing in Minneapolis?... Try to grasp this concept: cats are very popular. There are many cat lovers, especially among fans of the mystery genre. That is the hook. One cannot simply place any animal whatsoever in the title and expect to attract readers. I thought I made this clear when I responded to your similar proposals involving hamster, ferret, and box turtle…

…When I read your synopsis of Please Don’t Eat the Babies: A Young Wife’s Struggle with Her Husband’s Cannibalism, I thought it was a joke. But after Googling you, I see that your story is true. You have my sympathy, but I’m afraid this is not the kind of book I handle…

…Trust me, no publisher is going to touch Who Would Jesus F**k?How to Pleasure Your Christian Man Until He Howls Hosannas to the Heavens on High. The concept is egregious, and those asterisks are not sufficient bowdlerization to prevent book burnings…I found the Mary Magdalene foot-washing scenario especially repugnant…

…This kind of thing has been done to death, so I’m going to decline on Manly Men Don’t Eat Sprinkles…

 …These atrocity photos should be destroyed. I take your word for it that you have a vast archive, but I am not interested in seeing more of them or in representing your coffee table book, Pictorial Encyclopedia of Human Suffering. The photo depicting an act of forced coprophagia is so outrageous that I am tempted to send it to the authorities along with your name and address. Here’s the deal. Never contact me again, and I will ignore what at this moment seems like a civic duty …

…Re. The Elvis on Black Velvet Conspiracy: pass.