What do Jon Bon Jovi, Billy Ray Cyrus, Ritchie Scarlett of The Ace Freley Band, and TV’s Michael Damian all have in common? You’re only half correct if you said an abundance of awesome musical ability. It’s a true daily double if you added that they got married by Elvis in Vegas at the Graceland Wedding Chapel.
For a mere $350, you can add yourself and that special someone to the list of people who took the most sacred of vows in the town where people take a plane to go work at Area 51, where the Hilton sisters are the new Kennedy’s, and where the majority of Bumfights was filmed.
But, maybe Elvis isn’t your thing. If so, it’s full steam ahead to the Little White Chapel, home of the $40 drive-thru ceremony, open 24 hours a day. If you feel like shutting the car off, you can get married inside, and Bulls fans (Washington Wizards fans don’t count) can take advantage of the Michael Jordan Package for $491, which includes a witness should you not have one, a garter for the bride, and champagne glasses for the bride and groom. (Not included is Scottie Pippen standing there and getting an unfair share of credit for the success of the marriage.)
Like every decision in life, the one over a Vegas marriage is rife with positives and negatives. It’s worth a moment of our time to examine both.
• You can meet someone, have a whirlwind romance, be plastered for most of the relationship, get married, conceive a child, piss off the rest of the family, and then wake up and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life…all in 24 hours! It takes most people 25 years to do that (Some may see this as a con. Not me. Look at all that time you save).
• To combat the Catholic Church’s recent ban on wheelchairs, you can still get married via drive thru at many fine establishments.
• Only squares get married before 1 a.m.
• Danny Bonaduce married his wife the first night they met. Maybe you’ll get a TV show too.
• Your friend from high school is now a pop star, and the only way to nail her is to marry her for the night, fully aware that it’ll be annulled the next day and she’ll marry this generation’s Vanilla Ice.
• If you finish your ceremony early enough, you can haul ass over to the Slots-A-Fun casino for the free donuts they give out to slot players. Remember: the key to this free “reception” is to look like you’re playing slots.
• If you’re married to her, it significantly reduces the odds of her sobering up and pressing charges in the morning.
• The plethora of awkward next morning waking sentences, which include:
“What the fuck am I doing with a Ring Pop on?”
“You forgot to tell me you were ovulating?! You forgot to tell me your name!”
“The rest of my family is still in Russia…They can stay with us now.”
• You’ll always be known at parties as, “That one guy over there…”
• Until now, you thought your buddies were just assholes with their whole preachy “intervention” deal.
• As far you’re concerned, Elvis was a bloated no-talent who took the easy way out when he served in the military. Now Ted Williams, there’s a veteran you could be proud to have preside over your wedding.
• You heard a rumor that they were going to start letting homos get married there, which will ruin the beauty and sanctity of your union.
• You wake up, she’s gone, and you have no recollection of the evening (so far this is Pro, right?)…six weeks pass, and you have no idea why there are open sores on your dick.