HPV Is Going To Be Great!
by Lulu Griebler

 

I just found out that I have high risk HPV. I’m pretty excited. I’ve never really had a medical condition before! Some of my young relatives suffer from Crohn’s disease, rheumatoid arthritis, grotesque skin conditions…and I’ve always had to be the giver of sympathy, never the receiver.

Now, though, I can’t wait for the next family get-together! When my cousin starts complaining about his future with a colostomy bag, I can interrupt him, and talk about the warts that might be growing on my cervix!

As my older brother rolls his eyes at what he might suppose is merely a cry for attention, I can pull down my pants and show everyone! Look, guys! Check it out! Well, I guess precancerous cells on my uterine wall aren’t actually visible…but I’m sure my enthusiasm will be as contagious as the warts I hope to get.

As much as the feminist in me hates the word “slut”, I sure have had more than my share of unprotected sex in the last few years. It’s going to be fun: I also get to dial up all my past partners in a tearful tirade. “You BLEEPITY BLEEP! I can’t believe you gave me this!! Thanks for the cancer, jerk!” And then I can hang up.

The most joyful part of all of this is that maybe I gave it to them! It’s such a special thing. I think that HPV and I are going to get along great and have a beautiful future together. It’s been so wonderful thus far, maybe I’ll see what else I can contract!

 

 
   
   
© 2005 Lulu Griebler, All Rights Reserved
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