The Pirates Of Swenxof
The early 18th century was “The Golden Age of Pirates.” Ruthless buccaneers patrolled the seven seas, wrecking havoc along the way. Many claimed to be the most evil of all, but only one crew truly was.
History has shown the crew of the dreaded Swenxof, under the leadership of Jolly Roger Snails, to be the most dangerous of all time. They are best known for single-handedly waging war against and sinking the mythical utopian isle of “Liberalantis,” sending it forever to Davy Jones’ locker.
The most notorious of the feared crew of the ship Swenxof were as follows:
Blackbeard Bilge O’Reilly – The most feared pirate of his day. Earned his reputation for famously disemboweling the son of a merchant sailor who had been done in by dastardly pirates. After gutting the boy with a flaming sword, Blackbeard Bilge decorated the ship with the boy’s intestines and served the crew the finest liver and lean steak they’d ever had. Known for his catchphrase, “and that’s today’s ARRRRRGH!”
Ann “Codpiece” Coldheart – Perhaps the most vicious sea baron of all, Coldheart was loved by pirates and despised by the rest of the known mapped world. Possessing an abnormal grip, she could crush a man with her bare, hairy-knuckled hands. She was rumored to have removed the testicles of Scalawag Alain Combs merely by looking at them. Recently, scientists have performed DNA tests suggesting that Coldheart was in fact a man, giving credence to the many rumors of a protruding Adam’s apple.
Calico Sean Insanity – Calico Sean was known for spewing the most verbal vile known to man, affectionately known as “verbal scurvy.” Calico Sean wore his colors, keeping his beliefs strong and defending even the most dastardly pirate captains, most notably defending Captain G. Wilshire Booosh Jr., who invaded and destroyed Haiti after hearing claims that the Haitians had illegal rum, none of which was ever found. Calico Sean was long rumored to have had an affair with Ann “Codpiece” Coldheart; said affair ended in scandal, as Insanity disappeared into a Tahitian rainforest, drunkenly screaming about betrayal.
Scaliwag Alain Combs – Little is known of Combs other than that he spent his life serving as fifth mate to Calico Sean. Historians suggest that Combs had a high-pitched voice and was kept around only so that pirates would have something to laugh at on long voyages. Often made to dress as a bundle of sticks to be used for kindling, nothing Combs ever said was taken seriously, and hence, nothing was ever written down.