Wyld Stallyns On Thorazine
by James Seidler

 

It’s a common gripe that all Hollywood puts out anymore are retreads, rehashes, and remakes of old, tired ideas. But why complain when you can profit from it? Get ready to rake in the big bucks, as we at FLYMF show you how to rip off old movies for some easy pitches for next summer’s big blockbuster.

Movie: Seduce and Destroy Hot Lips

Summed up as: Magnolia meets M.A.S.H.

The pitch: Hawkeye, Trapper John, and all the other screwballs from the 4077th care for L.A. millionaires as they die in agonizing pain. Dark secrets are revealed in the midst of crazy hijinks, and the movie comes to its stunning climax as the boys’ big ploy to expose Hot Lips in the shower is interrupted by Jimmy Gator’s deathbed confession that he molested a young Major Burns.

Movie: Tod Ausweichen

Summed up as: Schindler’s List meets Dodgeball

The pitch: In a bid to avoid certain death, a ragtag group of misfits challenges the SS to a game of kickball, winner-take-all. After a rough beginning, with the Gestapo eliminating half of the squad for wearing non-regulation footwear, the team rallies under the leadership of Yakov, who was the 1896 English Premier League Most Valuable Player. The team wins its warm-up match against the Hitler Youth, but tragedy strikes again as Yakov is shot in response and the team’s best player, Isaac, is bought off with a beet. Without their best player and weakened by hunger, the team loses its match against the SS 73-3, but a happy ending comes anyway when the guards’ ensuing over-celebration allows the team and their campmates to sneak away to freedom.

Movie: Wyld Stallyns on Thorazine

Summed up as: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest meets Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey

The pitch: It’s a bogus journey indeed as Bill and Ted are melvined by their evil robot duplicates into committing themselves into a mental institution. Inside, the duo helps the other dudes see how wicked life can be, but soon find their heads banging against the dickweed Nurse Ratched. After an unauthorized journey to the 15th century to pick up babes, Bill is lobotomized at Ratched’s orders, leaving Ted with the decidedly un-awesome obligation to smother his friend to set him free.

Movie: Droogs in Drag

Summed up as: A Clockwork Orange meets Tootsie

The pitch: Alex and the droogs are trying to get a little look-see in the cutthroat world of ultraviolence, but it seems that only the most horrorshow malchicks can get a callback. So the boys savvy to the idea of going round all devotchka-like, and they hit it big with a bit of tolchocking on an old veck in an alley. Things go baddiwad when a baboochka gets all dead-like in a visit to the country, however, and in the end Alex finds himself conditioned against the old blouse and pantyhouse but unwilling to give up his new sense of style.

Movie: Harriet and Mr. Henderson

Summed up as: Chinatown meets Harry and the Hendersons

The pitch: Private eye Jake Gittes gets a visit from a mysterious female stranger asking him to follow her husband around town, as she suspects he’s having an affair. Gittes agrees and seems to confirm her fears when he pulls several long, blonde hairs from the back of the husband’s car. A trip to the crime lab shows that the hairs aren’t human, though, leading Gittes into a series of shocking discoveries about the nature of Mr. Henderson’s companion and the love child the two might have produced.

Movie: E.T.: The Return

Summed up as: E.T. meets Aliens

The pitch: A young boy is visited by an adorable alien, and the two quickly become best friends. Unfortunately, the alien reproduces by inserting its eggs into the nearest host’s body, where the larvae hatch by exploding out through the stomach. Soon young Eliot and the rest of his family have been turned into breeding pods for an alien invasion. When the hatched offspring from their bodies wipe out the nearest subdivision, the space marines are called in to put things back into order.

 

 
   
© 2005 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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