Low Moments In P.R. History
by James Seidler


PR Man: Hey Killer, how’s it going? (Rubs Jerry Lee Lewis on the shoulders) You been putting together some new tracks for us?

Jerry Lee Lewis: You know it, baby. I’ve been working on some hot stuff—it’ll scorch the hair right off your balls, man.

PR Man: Yeah, uh, that’s what I like to hear, Jerry. Listen, the reason I’m here to talk to you today is that we’re trying to get your public relations materials together for the next tour, and I wanted to ask you a few questions. Is this a good time for you?

Jerry Lee Lewis: As good as any. I might be dead tomorrow.

PR Man: Ok…well, any big news with you lately?

Jerry Lee Lewis: I got in a knife fight with a one-eyed mulatto who sold me a bad pint of moonshine. Got a pair of nylon pantyhouse holding my intestines in right now.

PR Man: Great, great, I’m writing that down. Anything else?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Uh, well, I got hitched.

PR Man: Oh, that’s wonderful. Who’s the lucky lady?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Name’s Myra.

PR Man: Great name, Jerry. And how’d you meet her?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Family.

PR Man: Someone in your family set you up?

Jerry Lee Lewis: No, she’s my cousin.

PR Man. Oh…. So, she’s related to you?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Yeah, she’s related to me. Cousin mean something different where you come from?

PR Man: No. No, that’s pretty much what cousin means.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Well, why are you busting my chops then?

PR Man: Well Jerry, I’m just worried this could cause a couple problems for us.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Disappointing the lady fans, right? You want them to still think they can get their piece of the Killer? Well, no one’s saying you have to publicize me getting hitched. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t, if you know what I mean. It ain’t like she’s going to be coming along on tour.

PR Man: Oh, really?

Jerry Lee Lewis: No, she’s got school to go to. No one can say I don’t like my women with a little refinement.

PR Man: A real classy girl, huh?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Top of the line, baby, all the way.

PR Man: She a looker?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Oh, you’ve got it, just a skinny little thing. She drives me crazy, man, crazy!

PR Man: Sounds hot, Jerry. You don’t have any other cousins laying around for me, do you? Heh heh heh.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Don’t touch my cousins, man. I’d stab you in the throat.

PR Man: Jerry…

Jerry Lee Lewis: I’m serious, man. Right in the throat.

PR Man: Right.

Jerry Lee Lewis: …

PR Man: So…back to your girl. I guess one good thing about marrying a cousin is that you guys have probably known each other for a long time. You grow up together?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Not exactly. I’m a bit older than her.

PR Man: I find that hard to believe, Killer—you’re a young guy. How old is your wife?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Ah, she just turned thirteen.

PR Man: Wait…what?

Jerry Lee Lewis: I said she just turned thirteen—heck, must’ve been a couple weeks ago now.

PR Man: Thirteen?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Yeah, thirteen. You got wax in your ears?

PR Man: Jerry, are you telling me you married a thirteen year-old? Who also happens to be your cousin?

Jerry Lee Lewis: I’m not just telling you, I done told you three times now!

PR Man: Oh Jesus.

Jerry Lee Lewis: What?

PR Man: Oh my God.

Jerry Lee Lewis: What’s your problem, man?

PR Man: What’s the problem? Jerry, this isn’t the Old Testament! Advertisers tend to frown on pedophilia, especially when you throw in borderline incest.

Jerry Lee Lewis: I have no idea what you just said, man.

PR Man: Apparently not! Jerry, the girl’s thirteen. Is that even legal?

Jerry Lee Lewis: Legal? C’mon man, I’ll tell you legal—if there’s grass on the playing field, play ball. That’s my rule.

PR Man: Oh, that’s great, Jerry. Maybe that can be your defense in court.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Man, what are you talking about, court? You really think I could get into hot water for this?

PR Man: Yes!

Jerry Lee Lewis: Oh man…

PR Man: This is serious stuff, Jerry.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Oh man…

PR Man: Yeah.

Jerry Lee Lewis: This is going to break her heart.

PR Man: What?

Jerry Lee Lewis: It’s going to break her heart. Just think about it—here she is, just trying to be good to the man she loves, and someone might be bringing the law into it.

PR Man: Jerry, I don’t know if I’d be worried about her.

Jerry Lee Lewis: The last thing she’d want to do is get me in any kind of trouble. This is going to kill her.

PR Man: Jerry, let’s worry about you right now.

Jerry Lee Lewis: You know what she did for me? This is the kind of woman I got—last night, I got stoned on catnip and attacked a group of orphans with a rusty piston from a ’38 Buick. So what does she do? She pawned her grandma’s wedding ring to put up bail for me?

PR Man: Her grandma’s wedding ring?

Jerry Lee Lewis: She didn’t even give it a second thought.

PR Man: Wow.

Jerry Lee Lewis: And afterwards she didn’t even say nothing to me, just gave me a kiss, cooked me dinner and put me to bed.

PR Man: That’s sounds pretty special, Killer.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Don’t I know it? I tell you, I don’t deserve a woman half as good as her. And that’s why it just tears me up, knowing what this news is going to do to her.

PR Man: (Sighs.) I tell you what, Killer—I’m not promising anything, but I’ll see what I can do about keeping this out of the news.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Really?

PR Man: I have a couple of strings I can pull. If we’re lucky, no one will even know.

Jerry Lee Lewis: Well, I sure appreciate it, and I’m sure Myra will too. Hey, maybe we’ll even name our first kid after you.

PR Man: Well, I’d be honored by that, Killer. Just do me a favor—wait a little while.

Jerry Lee Lewis: I ain’t making any promises.

PR Man: (Sighs) I'm not surprised.

© 2005 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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