Leroy's Movie Minute
by Leroy Taylor

 

Life Is Beautiful, starring Roberto Benigni, is a touching tale of a man who uses his powers of humor to protect his son from the horrors of the Holocaust. At least until the end, when Benigni gets shot by Nazis.

Oops.

Ok, pretend you didn’t read that last part. It’s just a touching tale about a man using humor to fight the Holocaust. Forget I said anything about the ending.

I ruined it, didn’t I?

Damn it, I can’t believe I did it again. The Movie Reviewers of America already took away my guild card for the “Sixth Sense Incident.” All I have left is reviewing classic films for this crummy humor site, and it looks like I’ve blown that one too.

Do you know how hard it is to write movie reviews? How tricky it is to give your reader a sense of the tensions and paranoia of Goodfellas without revealing that Joe Pesci’s character gets whacked by the mob?

Uh, or maybe he doesn’t. Watch the movie and find out.

Damnit! Damn it! Ok, ok.

Focusing on another review—Chinatown, directed by Roman Polanski. Chinatown stars Jack Nicholson who…is a guy who…does things. Things involving…people. Sometimes the people are in cars, and sometimes they’re on foot. Sometimes they have penises and sometimes they have vaginas, although those penises or vaginas may or may not be shown. There’s a horse involved as well, although (mild spoiler) it has no relationship at all to the penises and vaginas.

Also, people say things during the course of the film that may or may not be relevant to the plot. Assuming, of course, there is a plot.

Truly a great movie.

A more recent film that follows its precedent is L.A. Confidential, except in that case Guy Pearce shoots the corrupt bastard in charge of the whole thing right in the back instead of letting him get away with it.

You know what? This isn’t my fault. It’s not my fault. These are popular movies. They’re classics. All of them were nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture. It’s not my fault they’ve been forced out of your DVD player by the Ashton Kutcher Just Married/My Boss’ Daughter doublepack.

I don’t think anyone would be claiming that I spilled the beans if I referenced the fact that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father. Yet let slip that Rosebud is a sled in a movie that was made sixty years ago and has been cited by critics as the top film of all time and people act like you blurted out the exact circumstances of their future death.

Well, for all the people who didn’t know I was referencing Citizen Kane, I got a couple more for you: the Titanic sinks, J.F.K. is assassinated, and Ernest really does save Christmas.

What’s more, I quit!

 

 
   
© 2005 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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