My Brand-New Classic CD Dual-Alarm Clock
by Nick Holle


Lick me, you douche bags of morning radio. Never again do I have to wake up to the sounds of your meaningless voices again. That’s because I just purchased a Classic CR80 AM/FM Dual-Alarm CD Clock Stereo Radio. The AM/FM part is merely a formality. It’s the CD part that I will use to silence your loud ignorance from my life.

This is the greatest investment I have ever made. And now, for the rest of my days, I will by waking to the song of my choice. Whether it’s the Beatles’ “Good Day Sunshine” or Luce’s “Good Day” or Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine”, my days will no longer begin with your obnoxious, coffee-induced voices.

The contraption retails for just $39.99, and I’ll have gotten it for $19.99 when my mail-in rebate arrives in six to eight weeks. You may think of me as a cheap bastard, my dear radio douche bags, as I couldn’t afford a top-of-the-line Sony or Bose. But what I sacrificed in extra features and sound quality is literally a small price to pay for getting you assholes out of my life. I am not a rich man, but I am rich in the fact that I will never listen to your goddamned tired Lewinsky jokes again.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think I want to deal with your wild and zany antics at seven o’clock in the morning? Do you think that I need to hear you talk about American Idol? And do you think it’s fun to rip on Gary Coleman all the time? Do you think it would be that hard to just spin a fucking record once in a while, specifically at 7:01 am when I set my alarm? I don’t think it would. That’s why when I wake up this week, it won’t be to you. It will be to the soothing melodies of Guster’s “Diane” and Arlo Guthrie’s “City Of New Orleans” and Wilco’s “Jesus, Etc.” and Iron & Wine’s “Naked As We Came” and Otis Redding’s “These Arms Of Mine”.

In fact, by shutting you out of my life I don’t ever have to wake up pissed off again. I can wake up with whatever emotion I damn well please. That’s my philosophy. I’d maybe want to go with the Ben Folds Five’s “My Philosophy” for self-affirmation. Or Neutral Milk Hotel’s “King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1” for nostalgia. Or Joni Mitchell’s “California” for hope. If I want tears, I’d play Elton John’s “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”. If I want to carry the weight of the world, I’d go with “The Long Road” by Eddie Vedder and Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn. If I want some fuckin’ Stones, I’d play “Shine A Light” or “Salt Of The Earth” or “Beast Of Burden”, which no matter how much I listen to I never get sick of.

My idea of fun in the morning is not listening to you bemoan the weather or give away Celine Dion tickets or take requests from Jeri who’s on her way to work at Trempeleau County Abstract & Title Company. Starting off my day with some flat out of fun, means Stevie Wonder’s “Boogie On Reggae Woman”. Or I’d wake up to goofy fun with Keller Williams’ “Kidney In A Cooler” or rollicking fun with Beck’s “Sexx Laws” or bursting-with-happiness fun with Van Morrison’s “Bright Side Of The Road”.

If I have sex on my mind, I wanna hear something about Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” or Tenacious D’s “Fuck Her Gently” or even Three Dog Night’s “Mama Told Me Not To Come”. I do not have the patience for your no-intelligence, chauvinistic sexual innuendos and stripper-in-the-studio “shock” crap.

Do you think I honestly want to hear about your state-of-the-modern-marriage, people-are-morons bit about the lady in Illinois who tried to sue her husband for libel after he shot a beer can off her head with a .12 gauge for America’s Funniest Home Videos? No way. I want to wake up with the lover I’m growing apart with by playing Linda Ronstadt’s “Different Drum” or Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”.

For every day I need to wake up with a broken heart: Beck’s “Guess I’m Doing Fine”, the Counting Crows’ “Anna Begins”, R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts”. And if I think things are getting out of control with the Jayhawks’ “Tailspin”, I’ll remember that I need to wake from a golden slumber with something wonderful like the Beatles’ “Golden Slumber”, with some beautiful and newer like the “Stereophonics’ “Nothing Precious At All” or something beautiful and older like Elton John’s “Levon”.

Or I can set my new CD alarm clock to the greatest wake-up song is music history. A song that leaves morning DJ’s floating dead in the water. It’s got adrenaline. It’s got guts. It’s got “a man and his will to survive”. It’s pure music genius. Survivor’s “Eye Of The Tiger”. And I guarantee that if anyone out there wakes up to that song just once in their life, it will help smoke out you arrogant, heartless cockgobblers. And this world will be a better place.

Sayonara, douche bags of morning radio. May you be replaced by CD alarm clocks everywhere!


© 2005 Nick Holle, All Rights Reserved
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