Detective Dog: The Case Of The Missing Shoe
by James Seidler


I have no idea how I got to where I am right now.

Here are the facts. I am a dog. I’m standing in my back yard. And I’m picking up a scent that smells like…ooh, skunk. There’s a skunk smell over here! I’m going to run over to it and get a good noseful. Oh yeah, ha ha ha, oh yeah, this is great. I’m just going to dig at it a little bit, and—oh, what the hell, I’ll roll in it. Oh yeah, oh, whew, oh man, it doesn’t, ha ha ha ha, oh it doesn’t get any better than this, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, skunk smell.


I have no idea how I got to where I am right now.

Hey, there’s a noise. The person who gives me my food is opening the door. Uh oh, she looks pretty mad about something. I’d better whimper a bit. Oh, man, that just seemed to make things worse. Now she’s shaking her hand around. This isn’t good. Maybe…maybe if I run to the other side of the yard, that’ll take care of things. I’ll try it. She’s still yelling. How about the roll on the back? Still yelling? Well, there goes my bladder. But…hey, she’s quieting down. And now she’s gone.

What the hell was that all about? I should really try to think, remember if there was any reason for it.

Hey, a squirrel! Ha ha ha. I’m gonna get ya! Just…oh shit, up the tree. Well, I know how to get you down.

“Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”

Hey, that’s the door. Oh, it’s the person who feeds me. Huh? What are you yelling about? I’m just trying to—“Hey!” I’m just trying to put that thing in my mouth. “Hey!”

Honestly, I’m…where did it go? I lost it. Wait, what did I lose?

Oh, the person who gives me food is out here! Maybe we can play! I’ll just grab my stick and…where did she go?


I don’t seem to have much of a sex drive anymore.

Wait, what’s going on here? And why does my mouth taste like leather?


© 2005 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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