Political Thoughts From An Iraqi Insurgent
by Mustafa Hamir

 

Greetings from sunny Iraq!

When I first received word from my friend Morison Joe of the Union Togolais Bank of Togo that the American-imperialist magazine of laughter, FLYMF, was looking for material on the supposed democratic process, actually controlled by Jews, that the Americans use to choose their leader, my only thought was: it’s about time someone asked an Iraqi.

While the proud citizens of Iraq are not officially American citizens yet, the fact that this election will be so impactful on our everyday lives makes it only intelligent that we be allowed to contribute our voices to the discussion that surrounds this “choice.” After all, the pronouncements of the next President will play a major part in determining whether Iraq falls under the iron heel of a tyrannical fundamentalist government or merely returns to the more familiar situation of resting in the steel grip of a tyrannical secularist government.

Unfortunately, the candidates Bush and John Kerry do not match the seriousness of the situation. As the Zionist-allied media has made clear, each is the possessor of serious flaws. To be clear, Bush is said to be dumber than the incestuous offspring of Donny and Marie Osmond, of rock and roll fame, while Kerry appears to be damaged by his attachment to cheap plastic sandals.

Even worse, both candidates have made the decision that the big issues of this election will be protecting the shores of America from bin Laden attacks and ensuring that Americans possess jobs sufficient to fulfill their needs for Coca-Cola, Playstations, and silicon breasts. While these positions may play well in Pennsylvania, they are not going to persuade undecided insurgents in the Sunni Triangle.

Where, I ask, is the candidate who speaks for the Iraqi people? Where is the candidate who adheres to a strict anti-airstrike platform? Where are the campaign promises to generate electricity, or to invade Israel, or to set up a Niketown in downtown Baghdad? Isn’t the right to stylish, but comfortable, footwear a right that is endowed upon all men by the Creator?

The sad truth is that there is no such candidate. Under the two-party system of the United States, the moneyed interests work to protect the status quo, while voters outside the mainstream often find their interests ignored. This concept can best be seen in the following graph:

With this in mind, who should the American people vote for? Some might suggest Rocky J Suhayda, the head of the American Nazi party. Suhayda, it seems reasonable to assume, is a man who could get to the bottom of what the joint CIA-Mossad taskforce hoped to achieve by framing Muslims for the terrible attacks on September 11th, 2001. This theory is flawed, however, by the fact that that everyone knows the American Nazi party is funded by the Jews to make people feel sorry for them so they can better hide their Zionist stratagems.

Instead, I say vote for Joel S. Kaplan, the head of the B’nai Birth Association. Wait, you may say, isn’t he a Zionist devil himself? Yes, he is, but a Kaplan presidency would force the Zionist-capitalist conspiracy out into the open, where it belongs, instead of enabling it to remain hidden in the shadows. Its strength lies in its secrecy; once it is driven into the light of day, it will wither in the intensity of our righteousness.

Besides, I hear that Jews are good with money.

Sincerely,

Mustafa Hamir, Fallujah, Iraq

 

 
   
© 2006 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved
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