Things To Do With Your Leftover Halloween Candy

by James Seidler

Now that the last trick-or-treater has come and gone and you’ve managed to eat all of the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups you hid under the couch, you may be wondering what to do with the assorted Smarties, Nerds, and black and orange caramel/tar balls that are left over. Well, wonder no longer, as we at FLYMF give our advice on how to use your leftover candy..

1. Psychopaths: keep costs down by practicing your razor insertion on the old stuff. That way when next year rolls around, you won’t have to waste any new candy to get your technique down.

2. Slip the Sweet Tarts into Grandma’s pill box. After all, with prescription drug costs rising and Social Security payments staying the same, something’s got to give. Just be prepared to explain why Lipitor suddenly tastes like Awesome Orange.

3. Teens: Bottle Caps work just as well as birth control pills. If using the barrier method, consider Laffy Taffy.

4. Begin work on that gingerbread house you’ve always dreamed of. Remember, the accepted conversion rate is one thousand Jujubes per square foot of wall space.

5. Don't simply dispose of Atomic Fireballs in the household garbage. Nuclear Regulatory Commission regulation FF114 clearly states they must be safely warehoused in anticipation of eventual shipping to the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Facility.

6. Open all of the Bazooka Joe wrappers and save the comics. They’re sure to be worth money someday, just like your collection of Grape Ape memorabilia.

7. Reuse it next year. Candy’s expensive, and no one will notice anyway.

© 2004 James Seidler, All Rights Reserved.